arminian threat level raised to red for together for the gospel conference

The Together for the Gospel conference is quickly approaching and will feature some of the greatest reformed theologians of the age. In attendance will be many influential church leaders from throughout the world. As the conference will be held in Louisville, Kentucky, the home of The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, many leaders of the next generation will also be in attendance. The Arminian threat level has been raised to red and precautionary measures are being taken due to the fact that so many key persons will be in a single location and an attack by Arminians could be catastrophic.

An official recently commented, “In our monitoring of communications channels using tongues, we’ve definitely noticed an increase in “chatter” but then again that could just be supporters of C.J. Mahaney asking God to bless him as he speaks at the conference. Our work was a lot easier before we had all these reformed charismatics. It’s going to make security at the conference a lot more difficult, we can’t just arrest anyone with a tambourine or waving arms during worship anymore. Now our security guards are going to have to ask themselves, ‘Does this person believe that God foreordained from the foundation of the universe that they would play this exact tambourine or is this person thinking that they could have chosen any tambourine and are playing the tambourine synergistically?’ Really, how does anyone know the answer to that?”

Contrary to the rumors being spread among the younger crowd, a spokesperson has again confirmed that J. I. Packer, the Master Yoda of reformed theology, will not be making a surprise appearance at the conference and will be moved to an undisclosed secure underground location where he will be endorsing books with short breaks for eating and sleeping.

James White has refused protection and has insisted on carrying a large broadsword.

Professor Mark Seifrid will be protected from James White.

Southern Seminary has been planning for quite some time now and officials are confident that facilities and students are prepared. Spurgeon’s Bible will be removed from its display case at Southern Seminary’s Boyce Library and taken to the off-campus facility where the ancient manuscripts collection is stored. Students at Southern have been encouraged to keep a lookout for suspicious persons photographing or filming buildings on campus and at the Galt House Hotel in Louisville. Students should report new students that strangely show up in the middle of the semester and carry Darby or Schofield Bibles to class and say things like, "The Old Testament was in a different dispensation," or display a conspicuous absence of the words "grace" and "covenant" in their vocabulary. They may also make statements regarding future actions of buying and selling without being preceded by the qualification found in James 4:15, “If the Lord wills.”

Not to be outdone, the Master’s Seminary has warned of a 9-11 style attack with multiple targets and has taken similar precautions.

There have been unconfirmed rumors that the “Kingmakers” have been trying to move up the date of the Southern Baptist Convention to coincide with the Together for the Gospel Conference in order to minimize opposition but the motion is currently stuck in twelve different committees.

Southern Professor Sean Wright will be guarding several manuscripts of Theodore Beza’s that the Boyce Library does not know that he has.

Professor Tom Nettles will be disguised as Bob Dylan.

Iain H. Murray will also be moved to a secure underground location colloquially known as "Camp David" where he will be working on his next book D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones: The First Three Years.

Founders Ministries has refused to comment on Tom Ascol and Fred Malone’s schedules and whether or not they will be attending the conference for security reasons.

Barriers have been set up around the The Grey House in Edinburgh, Scotland as well as Banner of Truth’s other office without a cool name in boring Carlisle, Pennsylvania.

Massive quantities of Mega Jolt and Mountain Dew have been delivered for the Christian hackers that will be monitoring and defending monergism.org, founders.org, sbtsblogs.net, and several others round the clock. "We just have to make sure we don't overreact if blogger goes down because it probably will like it does all the time anyway," said a member of the group.

It has been reported that Benny Hinn’s Holy Ghost machine gun has gone missing. It was confiscated after a hunting accident in which Mcarthur was shot with the weapon but it has been declared missing after an audit of police evidence lockers.

A highly placed official noted that, “The worst case scenario is that Hinn has been using the massive amounts of money he receives to build some type of Holy Ghost Weapon of Mass Destruction.”

There was some concern generated when several of the tracking devices that had been secretly implanted in Dave Hunt and the Caner brothers malfunctioned but those concerns were allayed after the devices’ batteries were replaced.

Artist’s sketches have been distributed along with instructions to notify authorities immediately of any sightings of suspiciuos persons resembling the sketches.

These actions have not gone without criticism. Southern Professor Jim Parker commented, “What is the point of all this? If it’s God’s will for us to be preserved we will be and He won’t let them do a darn thing to us! And why oh why does R.C. Sproul, a Calvinist mind you, never fly on a plane? Huh? Of course I can say that! I’ve got tenure baby!