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Monday, February 13, 2006

stealth valentine

As I write this, it just so happens that the song playing from my 80’s playlist is “I think we’re alone now” by Tiff. Yea, that’s what she tells those of us who are her close friends to call her. Hahaha What a perfect Valentines song. I’m going to have to turn the volume down if one of my old Army buddies calls though.

I had this idea the other day that I should make a valentine and carry it around with me on Valentine’s Day and then just pick out some random girl on campus, give it to her and then walk off. The Stealth Valentine. I’m sure the book “Marriable” says this is wrong and boys can’t give girls valentines. A valentine is too much of an investment and you will lose your investment when the person eventually gets married. Right.

I’d also like to point out that “marriable” isn’t in most dictionaries. The correct word is marriageable. Use the word in a sentence? Why, I am glad you asked.

Due to her bossiness, lack of femininity, and the absence of any desirable skills, she was not considered marriageable.

What is that supposed to mean? It means she won’t let you hold the door open for her and she doesn’t want to be a mother.

Wouldn’t it be funny if I pulled that old girl trick and sent myself flowers in class or at work? I could act all surprised and say, “Oh my, I just don’t know what to say. Who could these be from? Is it a secret admirer? Let’s see what I wrote, err, I mean what does it say on the card?” Is it worth it to me to spend 80 bucks to fool other people into thinking that someone likes me? Definitely not.

If I was that desperate I would just pay someone to listen to my problems. If I found a poverty-stricken seminarian that would listen for minimum wage, that’s like 16 hours! You laugh but it sounds like a pretty good gig to me, you could just doze off or bring an I-pod or a cross-word puzzle and say “uh-huh” every once in a while.

I was reading a blog post about Valentines and I was reminded of the Valentine’s Days of my past.

One time Valentine’s was approaching and I decided to up the ante with this weird girl I liked. Why weird girls? For some reason they are more complex. Almost always more intelligent. Much more interesting. I have odd tastes. You know that saying, “Boys seldom make passes at girls that wear glasses.” So not me. I love those plastic rectangular framed glasses. Those are so cute.

Anyway, I got construction paper and I made the coolest Valentine I have ever seen. I can be quite creative sometimes and this thing was amazing. It was layered and sort of popped out when you opened it and it had a smiling sun and clouds made of cotton balls. It said something like, “You brighten my day.” I wish I still had it. It was so cool I almost hated to give it to her and get rejected and not be able to admire it anymore. Why give your beautiful creation to someone who’s going to throw it away. I wonder if God feels like that sometimes.

For some reason I wasn’t too concerned with getting rejected on this girl. I guess I was older and I was expecting her to do something weird. I had just talked to her the other day. So I put it in her box or something and then I saw her later on and she just wigged out and started crying and ran away. I think she had social anxiety disorder or something. Maybe a girl could explain this behavior to me.

If only the book "marriable" had existed at this time. I could have saved her a nervous breakdown and I would still have my cool valentine. I definitely lost that investment. Zero in capital gains tax. Major tax writeoff. Locked in that loss.

One time I bought the Steve Irwin Valentines. I was hoping for a few innocuous valentines to give to female friends (which I shouldn’t have because I could lose my investment) and maybe an ambiguously juicy one for the girl I liked that would leave her wondering whether I just gave her a random card out of the stack or if I truly meant the phrase on the card.

When I opened them they all said things like, "By crikey, isn't she gorgeous!", "You are one naughty lizard", "Aren't you a beautiful creature!", and "Wooo Hooo! Check out the size of these blokes." None of these were messages I wanted to send, so I didn't.

Pretty much every one of them can be taken the wrong way. Especially: "Wooo Hooo! Check out the size of these blokes." This could be interpreted as you have big bosoms or you are fat. Definitely not what I am trying to get across.

I did find one sufficiently juicy for my dream girl and I gave it to her. I don’t really remember what happened with that. She probably thought, “Steve Irwin Valentines? What a weirdo.” But maybe not. I doubt girls look a gift horse in the mouth on Valentines. Eventually, she probably got married and I lost my 17 cent investment. I wish marriable was written back then. I could have avoided this painful situation.

Unless one of the girls that I hold the door open for has fallen for me, I doubt I will get any valentines this year. I suppose there is the chance that I will get a pity valentine from my Mom but that’s almost worse than not getting any. But don't hope for it. CAUSE IT'S PROBABLY NOT COMIN!

Some day I will say to a girl, "OY! You are one naughty lizard!" and she won't have a nervous breakdown and we will get married and live happily ever after.

The stealth valentine idea is sounding better. . .


Anonymous Eve said...

The Anti-Valentine

Wow, this is the definition of a Passive-Aggressive post!

BTW, Marriable is in my copy of Webster's Unabridged.

And to be fair, the concepts in the book Marriable would encourage a man pursuing a woman, Valentine sentiment included.

What Marriable wouldn't encourage is giving Valentines to women you weren't interested in or ones that you knew weren't interested in you.

Why so bitter about Marriable?

If you would have gone to the Marriable event, the authors talked about the nice guy needing to get over the fear of rejection. That flys in the face of what you're alluding to here.

You'd have more credibility if you actually read the book instead of writing emotional incorrect assumptions.

Your profile states:

This is basically a chick blog with less whining and pictures that's actually funny.

FWIW, Marriable would probably advise a guy not to have a "chick blog" first of all. And I'd have to add that due to truth in advertising laws, your post was definitely in the 'whiny' camp.

You don't need a Valentine today my dear. I give you this anti-Valentine in love as a wake up call.

Having a chick blog makes you look like a chick.

Getting your drawers in a twist over a book makes you look like a chick.

Lammenting not getting Valentines...chick...check.

Believing that girls want a sensitive guy that does 'chick things' makes you, well, like all the other unmarriable guys at Southern.

Buy yourself a the form of Marriable. It's funny, un-chick-like, and definitely not whiny.

Tue Feb 14, 01:58:00 AM PST  
Blogger bethy31 said...

Where's the love people...where's the love? Frankly, I thought the post was funny...if not a little sad around the edges..

Tue Feb 14, 11:44:00 AM PST  
Blogger sajini said...

I think you guys need to get out more... What do you guys do for fun out there?

Tue Feb 14, 11:46:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Eve said...

Bethy, one girl's sad is another's whiny I guess! And the love is in the truth. More of our brothers need it!

Tue Feb 14, 01:45:00 PM PST  
Blogger sajini said...

oh I have been busy. But will post tonight... :) thanks for reading my blog

Wed Feb 15, 07:44:00 AM PST  
Blogger lindie said...

Thanks for the laugh. I gave out Michael Jordan ones, with an occasional Ninja Turtle or Lord of the Rings thrown in. There's still something beautiful about a paper valentine.

As far as the Stealth Valentine goes, if the random girl were me, I would probably a.)love it and b.)avoid you forever. Assuming, of course, at that point I knew who you were.

Wed Feb 15, 04:32:00 PM PST  
Blogger iconoclasm said...

Sorry about the dog pic. I'm sticking it way back here. Eve inspired me by calling me a confused puppy so I decided that would be a good profile photo. Blogger doesn't want to host your profile photo but for some reason they are cool with thousands in your post. Go figure. Anyone else make the connection that you can post it and link your profile to it?

Reading these comments it makes me wonder where eve got the idea that I am a sensitive guy.

Wed Mar 01, 01:03:00 PM PST  

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