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Sunday, May 14, 2006

pentecostal sect bans sponge bob

taken from

Pentecostal Sect Bans Cartoon Figure

Poplar Bluff, Mo. – Members of the Pentecostal Church of Financial Miracles and Endless Health Benefits believe they have identified ‘The Beast’ from the book of Revelation, and it is none other than cartoon character Sponge Bob Square Pants. “It is plainly described in Revelation 13:1,” explains minister Bob Dowdy, “And I stood upon the sand of the sea, and saw a beast rise up out of the sea.” Growing softer and more deliberate for emphasis, Dowdy continues, “If you watch his show, this Sponge Bob comes from the sea!”

Sponge Bob Square Pants is an extremely popular children’s cartoon, and his likeness can be found on countless products and toys. Along with pals Patrick, Squidward, and Sandy the Squirrel, Sponge Bob is a cornerstone of the Nickelodeon Network.

However, his status as a product marketing point also confirms the suspicions of the church. “Revelation 13:17 - And that no man might buy or sell, save that he had the mark, or the name of the beast, or the number of his name,” quotes Dowdy, “I was over to the Big G last month and practically everything in that store had a picture of Sponge Bob on it. I was in the dairy section buying some cheese, and my wife Nola Jean comes running up to me waiving a pair of underpants with a picture of this Bob Squarepants on them. You almost can’t buy anything without his image on it. About all I can buy is groceries with the Big G brand on them.”

To get their word out, the church has been holding monthly ‘Ban Bob’ parties for the children. “We tell the children to be careful of Sponge Bob’s power, and we destroy and burn his graven images to rid them of his foul influence,” explains Minister Dowdy.

However, this service has caused some friction with neighbors, including other Christian denominations. The Reverend recounts, “A fellow from down the block, who goes to one of those Southern Baptist churches, pulled up in my driveway and told me if I ever speak to his son again, he’ll kick my asteroid. Only he didn’t say asteroid. I guess Satan has evil minions everywhere. That’s what comes from allowing that New American Standard version of the Bible in your church. We’re King James Bible only, ‘cause if it was good enough for Paul and Silas it is good enough for me.”

Deacon Lester ‘Punkin’ Holstein admits, “Now Pastor Dowdy may have been wrong when he said Pope John-Paul II, Ronald Reagan, and Mikhail Gorbachev were the Anti-Christ before, but he just has too much evidence to be wrong this time."


Blogger Screaming Pirate said...

LOL.... I must say I am a long time lurker and I am impressed with your Blog. Always funny, always sharp. and this one is not an exception. Oh and to be honest i would say that Sponge Bob does make me uncomfortalble, it at times seems to have subversive messages about homosexuality. I dont know if you have seen the movie but sponge bob and patrick really make me uncomfortable. But no reason to bust out the boycots or the anti-christ prophecies.

Mon May 15, 10:16:00 PM PDT  
Anonymous Heather Bartlett said...

Hi, I'm the editor of - we had to stop updating and Keith Linvilles "Keithville" is one of the things I really miss.

He has a great sense of humor. You can read his current blog here:

Mon Oct 30, 03:38:00 PM PST  

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