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Wednesday, February 15, 2006

top 15 biblical ways to get a wife

I keep hearing that modern men, especially the guys here at Southern are not pursuing women aggressively enough. They’re just too nice. Even in Kentucky, a girl just can’t find a former high school quarter back that works as a shoe salesman, gets drunk a lot, lays down the law, and likes to shove her around anymore. All the guys at Southern are too educated and just want to learn about God and not take advantage of a girl and treat her like a sister in Christ all the time. What’s up with that? A girl needs a little danger, a bit of a bad boy, this whole "minister of the gospel" thing is not going to cut it. Love hurts ok? You’ll find quite a few Christian dating authors pointing to bible stories to support this notion. Don’t you just wish we could all go back to the good ol’ days when men were real men and women were real property?

The Top 15 Biblical Ways to Get a Wife
  1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
  2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)
  3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
  4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
  5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
  6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you.-Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
  7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
  8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife -David (I Samuel 18:27)
  9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. (It’s all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
  10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
  11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a … woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.” - Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
  12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though).-David (2 Samuel 11)
  13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea; it’s the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
  14. Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
  15. A wife?…NOT? - Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)


Blogger sajini said...

Ok.. we soo need to find you a woman!!!!!!!!! :) or you can just take up a new hobby.

Thu Feb 16, 03:09:00 AM PST  
Blogger sajini said...

Well, i have heard of number 11 only too many times in my culture... crazyyyyy

Thu Feb 16, 06:52:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Bethany said...

I think his hobby is bitterness! lol

Thu Feb 16, 07:25:00 AM PST  
Anonymous Eve said...

You're a mixed up puppy aren't you? Marriable doesn't point to biblical stories or say there is a Christian way to date.

It's a funny read and it picks on women too ya know. Love doesn't hurt, loving wrong hurts. Come to think of it, truth hurts sometimes too. Does that stop you from pursuing it?

Thu Feb 16, 08:11:00 AM PST  
Blogger iconoclasm said...

I'm glad to see you all have figured me out. ;)

It's difficult to communicate one's exact meaning without being face to face. While I write, I smile and I laugh out loud. It's humor and satire, not bitterness.

Don't take it too seriously. I hope you enjoy what I write and it makes you laugh out loud too.;)

Thu Feb 16, 10:25:00 AM PST  
Blogger sajini said...

Its making me laugh..

Thu Feb 16, 11:15:00 AM PST  

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