happy may day commies!

Yes, it’s May Day again and even though your children are not allowed to have anything to do with the true meaning of Christmas or Easter, they will have all manner of leftist rubbish crammed down their throats around this holiday. This is not widespread but has been happening for a long time. When I was a kid, Christmas and Easter were beginning to be sterilized but even then, May Day was the chance for the pinkos in the public schools to celebrate their own religion: Socialism/Communism. It’s the ultimate public school holiday: pagan and Marxist.

Children are made to study historical occupations with harsh working conditions and only the most extreme horror stories of accident and mistreatment are told so as to make the child think that these practices were common place. So, because in the history of the world, people have had to work hard, communism is good. Whatever.

You have to sing a bunch of stupid songs with leftist themes. Most of the songs we sang in school had some kind of emotional leftist message. I remember thinking how dumb they all were but I didn’t understand why until I was much older. So much of my public school education was like this and even as children we could see how stupid and unworkable it all was.

Occasionally there were songs celebrating farming or American heroes that at the time the leftists did not have the guts to remove from the curricula and it made me enjoy them that much more that they weren’t stupid. We made up our own versions of these songs and our own songs also. One I can remember is to the tune of the “This land is your land, this land is my land” song. I suppose that has something to do with being against private property or we’re all some big happy hippy family living in a van in America.

This land is my land, this isn’t your land,
I’ve got a shotgun and you don’t got one,
If you don’t get off, I’ll blow your head off,
This land was made for only me.

Strangely enough, the actual song is anti-private property, specifically mentioning no trespassing signs. Woody Guthrie (another commie) stole the music from the Baptist hymn, “When the World’s on Fire.” Some silly Canadians changed the words for Canada and I wouldn’t mind giving them the song in an exchange, if they would take back Neil Young, Celine Dion, Keanu Reeves, Alex Trebek, and Anvil Levigne.

I think every May Day I am going to send my kids to school in those shirts that say, “Communism killed 100 million people and all I got was this dumb shirt” or “Communism has only killed 100 million, let’s give it another chance”. Well I don’t want to send them to public school but maybe they could go on May Day for solely antagonistic purposes.

May Day has its origins in paganism and the celebration of the end of the winter half of the year but it has been quite effectively co-opted by leftist movements. It’s still widely celebrated for its seasonal qualities in Northern Europe.

Personally, I’m not that concerned if someone wants to celebrate certain holidays that may be of pagan origin. They are bound up in the mystery of the ages and even if one wanted to, one couldn’t determine for certain which ones were appropriate. God is the author of the holiday, commanding and initiating numerous feasts and holidays and giving detailed instructions as to their celebration and meaning. Even the first Sabath is a sort of holiday and a continuous one throughout time. In 1 Corinthians 10, Paul says that if someone invites you to a feast and you feel like going, partake but don’t engage in idolatry knowingly.

The reason we have Labor Day in the US is to prevent us from having May Day. In every other country, May Day is a big deal. There are a bunch of dirty commies out in the streets tearing the place up. President Grover Cleveland was afraid that if May 1st was made a holiday, the people would commemorate the Haymarket Riots so he supported the fledgling Labor Day movement.

In typical American fashion, he embraced a permanent lesser evil to thwart a temporary greater evil. There’s nothing quite like saving yourself from communism by embracing socialism. Thankfully crass commercialism has saved us by stripping this holiday of all meaning and replacing it with vacations, super sales, alcohol, and Crazy Larry’s Mattress Mart advertisements.

Lately Cinco de Mayo (Fifth of May), a Mexican holiday has nearly destroyed May Day. It’s basically a day to go to Mexican restaurants and drink imported beer. Tomorrow, in a strange turn of events, the two will coincide in the illegal alien strike, reviving the leftist nature of May Day as well as possibly infusing a new meaning and greater significance into May Day for some of those with Mexican heritage in the US.

The origins of the leftist May Day have to do with shorter working days. Marx theorized that part of the working day is for the subsistence of the worker and the other for the owner of the capital, thus if the proletariat owned the means of production workers could work shorter days and weeks. You can read more about this in Das Kapital Volume 1, Part 3, Chapter 10, Section 1. I’m not even joking, that’s where it is. Too bad for Marx, Capitalism was able to stop child labor and cut working hours beyond his wildest dreams.

The truth is that it is the government that is eating up all our labor. Tax Freedom Day is three days later this year so you’ll be working for the government for 116 days. You thought you worked for yourself didn’t you?


These figures do not portray the true situation as they do not allow for weekends and holidays. No one would work for 116 days straight. Were I to work 365 days a year, this would be accurate. Why allow for sleeping but not for weekends? There are about 261 or 262 working days in a year depending on leap year, holidays, etc. Thus 44.4% of our working days are taxed and we work until the 162nd day of the year, that is, June 11th for the Government. Which coincidentally was when President Roosevelt armed the Soviet Union in the Lend-Lease program with 14,795 aircraft and 7,056 tanks and in another stroke of genius gave 80 million Eastern Europeans and half of Europe to be brutally subjugated by Stalin. Which, in retrospect, was not such a good idea. This is another great example of embracing communism to stop socialism (German) or vice versa. These figures do not take into account the burden on the economy and further penalty paid by Americans in the form of fewer and lower quality jobs, lower pay, higher prices, and destruction of freedom.

One of my fond childhood memories of May Day is the maypole. Its origins are also pagan but have been co-opted. It is thought of as a fitting symbol for the ideals of Marxism. People are working together in harmony to produce something greater than they could produce alone. I agree, nothing says dictatorship of the proletariat like forcing persons you have power over (children), to associate with those they do not wish to associate with (the opposite sex and their cooties), to learn useless information (pole weaving), to do work they don’t want to do (maypole weaving), that produces nothing useful (weaved maypole) must be un-done(un weaved), for no pay.

pat robertson has a race horse, christian liberty and gambling

Since it's derby time here in the land of Colonel Sanders and baseball bats, I thought a race horse story would be appropriate.

It was discovered that Pat Robertson owns a half-million dollar racehorse.

I don't know if Pat Robertson has condemned gambling or not but it's hard to imagine that he hasn't at some point. I don't necessarily agree with this article, especially the comparison of prostitution to gambling, although it is a rather amusing analogy. I just think it's an interesting article.

Somehow, growing up Baptist, I picked up Sola Scriptura but not "Scripture and Baptist Tradition Alone", which I have called it in earlier posts. I don't know how I came to be this way. I seem to have a logical mind and enjoy debating. I guess it's just a gift of God. This makes it really difficult to be fundamentalist in reading and applying the Bible to one's life. The prohibition of gambling was something I questioned as a kid but I never received a good answer. Once I found a tract about gambling in one of those “tract racks” in the back of church. Did anyone else have those?

The tract was pretty lame. If I remember correctly, the only scripture reference it had was about the execution detail casting lots for Christ’s robe. This certainly seems bad and it went on and on about how terrible that was. The crucifixion was terrible and the actions of the soldiers were a further humiliation of Christ. I think the significance of this verse is the trivial manner in which they behaved, not recognizing just whom it was on the cross and that it was the pivotal point in history. To use this as a verse about gambling is to miss the point entirely.

Something I always think about in situations like this is if God thinks gambling is a sin why aren’t there any scriptures specifically forbidding it? He told Israel to put tassels on their garments and what to do about mold but he forgot this? Certainly not. I think what we are left with is that it can be wrong when it violates other laws, for instance, those requiring provision for one’s household.

One way to make gambling a sin is to make the same argument used for alcohol in that there is no moderation and all gambling leads toward gambling addiction and impoverished families not to mention mafia debts that shylocks come to collect. Anyone who has ever gambled knows that this is absurd because a lot of times it’s not really that fun and there’s too much freakin math involved. I don’t mean it’s not fun because you lose I mean it’s just not that exciting.

One could get addicted to ugly ebay lamps and waste that money which one’s family required for sustenance, but that does not make ugly ebay lamps a sin.

Once as a child I got in pretty big trouble for “gambling”. The classified paper, the Dandy Dime had a football contest. One had to pick the winners of the games that week and there were cash prizes. I languished at the bottom for a few weeks picking which mascot animal would win in a fight. This strategy proved effective in predicting the results of Seahawks games but failed miserably in Bears games. Then I started using win/loss records and did a little better. Then, I found out that sports experts and mathematical geniuses calculated the odds for every game in something called a “spread”. I also found a couple old guys that had nothing better to do but watch football. This one guy was almost never wrong.

Then one day First Baptist Church’s preacher’s son won the football pool and his name was published in the Dandy Dime! Good times.

Let me remind you that this was not actually gambling as no money was put in. I had nothing to lose but my misspent youth, oh, and maybe some privileges. I was pretty excited and it was a significant amount of money in those days and children were forbidden to work in official capacities and the only way to get work was to work un-officially for old people from the church that thought a quarter was a fair wage for hours of work. (think of that chicken farmer scene from Napoleon Dynamite)

Let me also remind you that spanking with a leather belt was used as a means of discipline rather than a sexual practice in those days.

I like to go to the Westminster Larger Catechism for difficult questions like this because it is usually quite clear once one understands the meaning of the older English words. In question 141 it asks, “What are the duties required in the eighth commandment?” Part of the answer commends “frugality” and says, “…to procure, preserve, and further the wealth and outward estate of others, as well as our own.”

Question 142 asks, “What are the sins forbidden in the eighth commandment?” It answers, “…prodigality, wasteful gaming; and all other ways whereby we do unduly prejudice our own outward estate, and defrauding ourselves of the due use and comfort of that estate which God hath given us.”

Particularly relevant to Kentucky is question 142’s prohibition against “manstealing”. So all you hoochies out there consider yourself warned.

I found a fascinating article on gambling at the Q&A section of the OPC's website. It seems that there is some disagreement over what the catechism actually means! Does it prohibit only “wasteful gaming” and not other gaming?

The article says that Richard Baxter (you may know him as the 1600’s author of The Reformed Pastor) considered this a matter of Christian liberty and laid out some circumstances where it might be allowed. One of them was in the case of betting that another’s assertion was not true. He seems to think it is a useful device to deter persons from making false assertions. I remember doing this all the time as a kid because children are constantly saying outrageous things. If you don’t think calculating the chance of something happening is a sin, (and those creationist defense guys better hope it isn’t) I have calculated the odds of actually being paid on these childhood bets at one in 50 trillion. I think I remember being told not to say I bet you're wrong, etc. because, “We don’t bet.”

I think it is appropriate to study these matters as they are useful for conscience’s sake and in the ministry it is likely that you will be asked these questions of practical morality. Will you have an answer?

update on nku prof. that attacked pro-life display

Earlier I brought you the
story of a professor at Northern Kentucky University that worked herself and her students into a liberal frenzy in class and ran out and attacked a pro-life display.

It seems that one girl has called the group and apologized, saying she felt intimidated into those actions.

The University is stalling for time and hoping everyone will forget. They probably won't do anything but give her early retirement or a semester off. I fail to see how these would be punishments. As far as the legal system, my bet is that they will get off totally or with a slap on the wrist such as community service. The best community service Dr. Jacobsen could do is to not be a psycho.

Yes, NKU parents, you are paying all that money for your kids to learn stuff like this in class. The reason we can't speak our own language anymore is because this is what English departments do nowadays instead of teaching English.

This is from the Cincinnati Enquirer,which is the big daily in Cincinnati.

Prof, others charged in cross case

Jacobsen, students accused of trashing NKU lawn display

BY KAREN GUTIÉRREZ | ENQUIRER STAFF WRITER

HIGHLAND HEIGHTS - A professor and six students at Northern Kentucky University were charged Wednesday with misdemeanors related to the April 12 destruction of an anti-abortion display on campus.

Sally Jacobsen of the literature and language department, has been charged with criminal mischief, theft by unlawful taking and criminal solicitation. The third charge relates to evidence that she encouraged students to participate in the destruction, County Attorney Justin Verst said.

The six students, who range in age from 21 to 27, were charged with criminal mischief and theft by unlawful taking.

The theft charge is a class A misdemeanor punishable by up to one year in jail and a $500 fine.

The criminal mischief and solicitation charges are class B misdemeanors punishable by up to 90 days in jail and a $250 fine.

Verst said additional students might be charged as their identities become known.

Four hundred crosses representing aborted fetuses were pulled from the ground and thrown in trash cans around campus.

A sign explaining the temporary display, which had been approved by university officials as an expression of free speech, was also removed.

Jacobsen told reporters that she had "invited" students in her graduate-level British literature course to exercise free-speech by destroying the display.

She said she was offended by the simulated cemetery, which she considered intimidating and harmful to women who might be considering abortions. NKU's campus newspaper, the Northerner, published photos of Jacobsen dismantling part of the display.

Since the incident became public, NKU's president has received hundreds of e-mails from throughout the country condemning the professor's actions. She was placed on leave last week, and substitutes were assigned to her classes for the rest of the semester.

Jacobsen has received a large amount of hate mail, her lawyer, Margo Grubbs of Fort Wright, said.

She had no idea there would be so much fallout, and she is sorry for the hurt she caused, Grubbs said.

"She never wanted to harm her university or her students at all," Grubbs said. "Twenty-seven years of her life have been at this university."

Jacobsen will plead not guilty, Grubbs said. Grubbs said the dismantling of the display doesn't amount to a criminal act.

"The intent was just an expression of freedom of speech," Grubbs said. "She saw harm coming from it, and she was just expressing her attitude towards the harm."

The six students are Michelle Cruey, Katie Nelson, Heather Nelson, Stephanie Horton, Sara Keebler and Laura Caster. A court date was set for May 11.

NKU sophomore Katie Walker, president of the Right to Life group responsible for the display, said one of the students called her to apologize a day after the vandalism. She could not recall the student's name.

"She was very upset about the whole thing. She said she kind of felt intimidated into those actions, and she felt horrible about it."

Walker said she appreciated the call but still felt that all those involved should face some consequences. The faculty member's actions were especially grievous, she said.

"It wasn't just theft. It wasn't just vandalism. It was the violation of a right we hold sacred," Walker said, referring to free speech. "That kind of behavior needs to have repercussions."

Verst said that based on the evidence presented by NKU police, he would have brought charges regardless of the Right to Life group's position.

"I thought it was pretty clear-cut. Obviously, there's strong feelings on both sides as to the issue involved, but the subject matter of the signs didn't play into my decision."

Kent Kelso, NKU's dean of students, said the university will wait until the court process is complete before deciding disciplinary action against the students.

t4gcon piper laugh counter

benny hinn's Holy Ghost machine gun located

Louisville -Thursday
T4GCON attendees breathed a sigh of relief as it was announced today that Benny Hinn’s Holy Ghost machine gun has been found.

The weapon had been declared missing after an audit of police evidence lockers, adding to the hightened state of concern as the Arminian Threat Level had been raised to red in preparation for the conference. It was confiscated after a hunting accident in which John McArthur, President of Master's Seminary, was shot with the weapon.

Auditors said that the weapon had "crept in unawares" to a different area of the evidence room. Apparently it somehow found its way to stacks of currency confiscated in a narcotics seizure. A police officier noted, "Apparently the thing has a real taste for money! We just found it curled up in a pile of currency. When we pulled it out it seemed to not want to let go of the money, strangest thing I've ever seen."

Hinn has repeatedly asked that the Holy Ghost machine gun be returned, "That was uh, a rather unfortunate, uh, accident. He shouldn't have gotten in the way of God's annointed. They must return Benny's property at once! God will send fire down and consume you for impeding the work of his annointed, Benny Hinn."

Master's Seminary officials had been worried that the presence of so many charismatics and the potential proximity of the weapon could cause flashbacks of the incident and worst case, another "intense momentary memory recall of previously studdied languages", (the term employees of the seminary are required to use in reference to the event).

t4gcon booby prizes

If you're reading this, you are either truly dedicated reading in your spare time after the conference, didn't make it to the Together for the Gospel conference, you're feeling the sting of T4GCON's gender exclusion and lapsing back into your feminist days, or you're in the last category of don't really care. Let me tell you, Louisville is an exciting place to be right now, but I'll quit rubbing it in.

The purpose of this post is to tip you off that some of what's going on is already available on the internet and you can have it right now for free.

R. C. Sproul's message at Southern Seminary Wednesday, Holiness and Justice is now up. Maybe you have been wondering, "Why isn't R. C. Sproul's sermon up on the chapel sermons page yet?" It's not on the chapel sermons page. It's at the gheens lectures page. I don't know if this is on it but he started out saying, "Open your New Genieva Study Bibles to page xxx." That was hilarious. I didn't bring mine that day but after that, I wished I would have.

The chapel was packed out. I was hoping that the lack of space would force me to sit uncomfortably close to what would turn out to be my future wife but apparently this was not part of God's sovereign plan. My mind usually wanders a bit during sermons but today I was especially focused. You could have heard a pin drop in there. I really like his annecdotes because I can't see from a mile away what's going to happen. Rather than just being a weak metaphor, his allegory greatly contributed to overall understanding of the theme. He used several difficult passages in which God strikes people down,including Aaron's son's strange fires.

People are always saying, "That's not fair," and asking questions, especially of the Reformed, about how God can be just and merciful. I got that strange feeling I get when I hear something that resolves a tension, makes total sense, and seems a bit obvious but was hidden from me before by my own foolish notions or a swarming cloud of Arminian confusion that follows me. I'll try to find a picture of it.

President Mohler said that he had heard this sermon years ago and that it was very meaningful too him. I'm glad he asked R. C. to do this one. This sermon is well worth your time.

I expect some of Dever's lectures to sound similar to this one that he gave at Southern in 2002 called, "The Evangelical Church, Richard Sibbes[,] and the sufficiency of the Gospel." It's from back in the RealAudio days so you'll need some type of Real player or an mp3 player that does .rm's. If you have to get one find an old version and not one of the newer ones because they don't work as well, are only for XP, and have too much extra junk you don't want.

You probably already know this but Tim Challies is live blogging the conference. I expect things like this to be a few posts of incomplete notes after the fact but that is not the case at all. He is taking excellent notes and they are posted immediately.

Session Three - Al Mohler: Preaching with the Culture in View
Sessiont Two - Ligon Duncan: Preaching from the Old Testament
Session One - Mark Dever: The Pastor's Understanding of His Own Roll

Timmy at Provocations and "Panties" has a couple pics up and has set up a flickr group which already has some 30 photos.

They said that all of this will be available on DVD and .mp3 at some point so you'll have access to it you will just miss out on not having a place to sit, seeing the charismatics get clappy happy, herding like cattle for 20 minutes trying to get out of the building. Seriously, it is very encourageing to see that we're not alone and that there are other reformed pastors there. I would guess that a lot of them are far away from eachother and can feel pretty alone sometimes. There are pastors here from all over the world.

I was thinking about putting a C. J. Mahaney Cry Counter up on my blog but I haven't been keeping track well enough and I decided it was too mean and after hearing him I really like this guy.

no juice at the first communion

I really enjoyed this article. It sums up a lot of my favorite points about wine. I was saving it for passover but I had forgotten about it. There are a couple things I might critique in it but I thought you guys might have fun doing so in the comments. See you at T4GCON tomorrow.

UPI's Uwe Siemon-Netto
No juice at the first Communion

By Uwe Siemon-Netto
UPI Religious Affairs Editor
Friday, March 18, 2005

---

WASHINGTON – On the first-ever Maundy Thursday almost 2,000 years ago, Christ took the cup, saying, "This cup is the new covenant in my blood; do this whenever your drink, in remembrance of me." (1 Corinthians 11:25)

The cup contained Passover wine. Today, many U.S. pastors, especially the Rev. Jerry Falwell, condemn the drinking of such a beverage as sinful. Indeed, in most American churches, including sanctuaries of most mainline denominations, sweet grape juice is served instead of wine in shot glasses or plastic finger cups at Holy Communion.

Hence many ministers in the United States have a saying about vacant vessels or heads: There are "as empty as Jerry Falwell's wine cellar."

Type the words "wine or grape juice" into your Google search engine and you will get some 11,500 results, including many a learned treatise claiming that the liquid in Christ's cup in the Upper Room the night before his crucifixion was unfermented.

The trouble with this assertion is of course this: Nowhere in first-century Palestine could a drop of unfermented grape juice to be found at Passover time.

Like elsewhere in the northern hemisphere, grapes were picked in August or September. As soon as grapes were off the vine and crushed by the naked feet of slaves, back then, their juice would start bubbling and become more and more potent.

As the Christian History magazine reminds us in its current issue, it wasn't until the 19th century that an alcohol-free swill could be produced from the "blood of the vine," to use a Biblical term.

Inspired by teetotalism, Thomas Bramwell Welch, an American Methodist dentist, and his son Charles first pasteurized grape juice in 1869, heating it and thus killing the microorganisms that cause fermentation.

Since then, Methodists, Baptists, Presbyterians and most other Protestants use Welch's grape juice or similar products for communion. Only Lutherans and Anglicans stuck to wine. Some of their congregations even serve up a particularly potent drink to give the "communicant a bit of a kick – or a little help to the Holy Spirit," as some Lutheran pastors like to say.

Roman Catholic churches have withheld the chalice from laity since the high Middle Ages and are only now slowly returning to the "common cup," which then of course contains real wine.

Eastern Orthodox congregations blend wine, bread and warm water to a mush in the chalice from which the priest communes the faithful with a spoon.

Of course, these last four faith groups believe that Christ is truly present in the wine, either trough transubstantiation (Catholic), meaning that by consecrating the wine has turned into is blood, or "consubstantiation" (Lutheran and Anglican), meaning that he is "truly present in, with and under" the two elements of the Eucharist, although bread still remains bread and wine remains wine.

To the orthodox, his real presence is a mystery, which they do not seek to explain.

The other Protestant churches either emphasize the commemorative aspect of Holy Communion or affirm, as Calvinists do, solely Christ's spiritual presence in the Lord's Supper.

Since the Welchs' invention of alcohol-free grape juice – by the way, the Greek word for juice, Khymos, is nowhere to be found in the New Testament – the wine faction and its opponents in the Christian Church have been at loggerheads, sometimes light-heartedly, sometimes in earnest.

Once I overheard the Anglican wife of the late David Reed, the much-lamented ultimate pulpit prince of Presbyterianism, rail against his denomination's devotion to juice: "Blasphemy!"

She was jesting, of course, but her banter had a serious core. By withholding wine from the faithful – and, worse, by calling its consumption a sinful act, as Jerry Falwell does – Protestant ministers open themselves to the charge of calling Jesus sinful, at least implicitly.

Thus they place themselves in line with those of Christ's hostile contemporaries who labeled him an "oinopotes," a wine souse. Jesus never refuted the charge that he was a "glutton and a drunkard." (Matthew 11:18-19)

Some Protestants theologians try to overcome this dilemma by claiming that the wine he offered to his disciples in the Upper Room was perhaps not grape juice but essentially no more than water containing perhaps 2.5 percent alcohol per volume.

However, any vintner will tell you that this is nonsense because such weak wine would never last from the fall to springtime; it would be vinegar, unworthy of being served at a Passover Seder.

Of course, the Bible warns against intoxication, saying it "takes away the understanding." (Hosea 4:11) "Wine is treacherous," the prophet Habakkuk cautions. And priests were forbidden to drink wine when on duty in the Temple.

But much more frequently Scripture's authors praise the wine, to wit Jesus Sirach who in the Book of Ecclesiasticus called it "one of the good things ... created for good people." (39:25-26)

"Go eat your food with gladness, and drink your wine with a joyful heart, for it is now that God favors what you do," counsels the canonical Book of Ecclesiastes – not to be confused with the Apocryphal Ecclesiasticus – the people of Israel. (9:7)

Vineyards dotted ancient Palestine, where 150 varieties of grapes were grown in Old Testament days. So important was wine to agriculture then that specialists in viticulture were traded at three times the price of regular slaves working the land.

What modern medicine has only recently rediscovered was well known two millennia ago – wine had healing properties. In his parable of the Good Samaritan, Jesus said that an injured man's wounds were treated with oil and wine. (Luke 10:34)

And the apostle Paul advises his readers to drink a little wine "for the sake of your stomach and your frequent ailments." (1Timothy 5:25)

But out of all Biblical narratives there is none where wine flows more lavishly than in story about Christ's first miracle at the wedding feast at Kana in Galilee; there he turned water from six stone jars into the best of wines.

This amount of wine is truly staggering. Experts on first-century Palestine have calculated that the volume of six stone stars corresponded to 652 to 948 modern bottles of 0.75 liters each.

Wine, the Bible tells us, is one of God's abundant gifts of love to his people. Like music, its function is to lighten man's lot this side of Paradise. But linked to its role in Christ's Passion, wine (and not grape juice) also has a significant role for the end of times.

As the Book of Revelation tells us, only wine and oil are protected from the apocalyptic flame. (Revelation 6:6) .

arminian threat level raised to red for together for the gospel conference

The Together for the Gospel conference is quickly approaching and will feature some of the greatest reformed theologians of the age. In attendance will be many influential church leaders from throughout the world. As the conference will be held in Louisville, Kentucky, the home of The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary, many leaders of the next generation will also be in attendance. The Arminian threat level has been raised to red and precautionary measures are being taken due to the fact that so many key persons will be in a single location and an attack by Arminians could be catastrophic.

An official recently commented, “In our monitoring of communications channels using tongues, we’ve definitely noticed an increase in “chatter” but then again that could just be supporters of C.J. Mahaney asking God to bless him as he speaks at the conference. Our work was a lot easier before we had all these reformed charismatics. It’s going to make security at the conference a lot more difficult, we can’t just arrest anyone with a tambourine or waving arms during worship anymore. Now our security guards are going to have to ask themselves, ‘Does this person believe that God foreordained from the foundation of the universe that they would play this exact tambourine or is this person thinking that they could have chosen any tambourine and are playing the tambourine synergistically?’ Really, how does anyone know the answer to that?”

Contrary to the rumors being spread among the younger crowd, a spokesperson has again confirmed that J. I. Packer, the Master Yoda of reformed theology, will not be making a surprise appearance at the conference and will be moved to an undisclosed secure underground location where he will be endorsing books with short breaks for eating and sleeping.

James White has refused protection and has insisted on carrying a large broadsword.

Professor Mark Seifrid will be protected from James White.

Southern Seminary has been planning for quite some time now and officials are confident that facilities and students are prepared. Spurgeon’s Bible will be removed from its display case at Southern Seminary’s Boyce Library and taken to the off-campus facility where the ancient manuscripts collection is stored. Students at Southern have been encouraged to keep a lookout for suspicious persons photographing or filming buildings on campus and at the Galt House Hotel in Louisville. Students should report new students that strangely show up in the middle of the semester and carry Darby or Schofield Bibles to class and say things like, "The Old Testament was in a different dispensation," or display a conspicuous absence of the words "grace" and "covenant" in their vocabulary. They may also make statements regarding future actions of buying and selling without being preceded by the qualification found in James 4:15, “If the Lord wills.”

Not to be outdone, the Master’s Seminary has warned of a 9-11 style attack with multiple targets and has taken similar precautions.

There have been unconfirmed rumors that the “Kingmakers” have been trying to move up the date of the Southern Baptist Convention to coincide with the Together for the Gospel Conference in order to minimize opposition but the motion is currently stuck in twelve different committees.

Southern Professor Sean Wright will be guarding several manuscripts of Theodore Beza’s that the Boyce Library does not know that he has.

Professor Tom Nettles will be disguised as Bob Dylan.

Iain H. Murray will also be moved to a secure underground location colloquially known as "Camp David" where he will be working on his next book D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones: The First Three Years.

Founders Ministries has refused to comment on Tom Ascol and Fred Malone’s schedules and whether or not they will be attending the conference for security reasons.

Barriers have been set up around the The Grey House in Edinburgh, Scotland as well as Banner of Truth’s other office without a cool name in boring Carlisle, Pennsylvania.

Massive quantities of Mega Jolt and Mountain Dew have been delivered for the Christian hackers that will be monitoring and defending monergism.org, founders.org, sbtsblogs.net, and several others round the clock. "We just have to make sure we don't overreact if blogger goes down because it probably will like it does all the time anyway," said a member of the group.

It has been reported that Benny Hinn’s Holy Ghost machine gun has gone missing. It was confiscated after a hunting accident in which Mcarthur was shot with the weapon but it has been declared missing after an audit of police evidence lockers.

A highly placed official noted that, “The worst case scenario is that Hinn has been using the massive amounts of money he receives to build some type of Holy Ghost Weapon of Mass Destruction.”

There was some concern generated when several of the tracking devices that had been secretly implanted in Dave Hunt and the Caner brothers malfunctioned but those concerns were allayed after the devices’ batteries were replaced.

Artist’s sketches have been distributed along with instructions to notify authorities immediately of any sightings of suspiciuos persons resembling the sketches.

These actions have not gone without criticism. Southern Professor Jim Parker commented, “What is the point of all this? If it’s God’s will for us to be preserved we will be and He won’t let them do a darn thing to us! And why oh why does R.C. Sproul, a Calvinist mind you, never fly on a plane? Huh? Of course I can say that! I’ve got tenure baby!

john macarthur, effective in modern media

Tim Challies captures why John MacArthur is so effective. He was on Larry King Live with a bunch of persons talking about the new reality show, God or the Girl, in which several young men struggle with a calling to the priesthood. He doesn't even waste time with the compulsory, well all of my best friends are Catholic, I respect Catholics, Priests help old ladies accross the street, we have a lot in common with the Catholic church historically, blah blah freaking blah blah, modern polite required bs, he just jumps right into it 1Timothy with this: (and this is coppied from the CNN transcript)

MACARTHUR: "Yes, well I think from a biblical standpoint we need to readdress this issue on a couple of fronts. Number one, according to the New Testament, you can't be a pastor unless you are the husband of one wife and have proven that you're able to manage your household well.

"The apostle Paul also said that one of the false doctrines, he called doctrines of demons, 1 Timothy 4, is forbidding to marry. There is no biblical basis for this whatsoever. You can't use Jesus as an example. He's God in human flesh.

There is no biblical foundation. In fact, Paul said it's better to marry than to burn. So, you put a priest in an impossible situation, then stick him in a confessional all day to listen to people reciting all their sexual sins and I think that's just way over the top if you expect somebody to live a pure life with that kind of temptation thrown at them.

KING: You say a pastor should be married, you mean someone comes out of seminary they have to be married or they can't be a pastor?

MACARTHUR: Well the bottom -- yes, the bottom line is there could be exceptions. You could have a widower. You could have somebody who did never marry. But the qualification for a pastor is the husband of one wife, a one woman man.

KING: So you think the idea that even though it's a discipline of the church it's a bad idea?

MACARTHUR: Yes, I don't think it's a biblical idea at all and it came, as Father Manning noted, because priestly families were building fortunes and in 1079 when that became law at the Lateran (ph) Council, it was because Rome started seeing that money was being kept in these massive families. If you don't have any children, you can't pass on anything."

When you're a talking head on TV and you aren't given enough time for the required BS statement about how tolerant and accepting you are before you criticize anything MacArthur just goes for the one two punch. It just makes you wonder if the Holy Spirit isn't helping out a bit.

God please give me the grace to be that effective in the media if it is ever required so that I am not a bumbling idiot.

Tim's coverage of this is a bit better than mine and I also want to remind you that he will be covering the Together for the Gospel Conference.

there's not enough girls here, asian inventions part XII

You supply the caption:
#1
#2

why do you need hyperlinks that don't do anything on a piece of paper?

Ugh, I had to use Microsoft software again. How can people deal with this stuff everyday without punching a hole through the screen?

Does anyone know a command to:

REMOVE HYPERLINKS FOREVER

or:

TURN OFF HYPERLINKS TIMES INFINITY

This is in Word if you haven't figured that out by now. I'm sure there are others that would like to know as well. If I find out, I will do a new post on it.

why superman and batman aren't at southern

They violate section F of the discipline policy.

Sandi Patti Parti

Whoever is having the Sandi Patti party down the hall from me needs to knock it off.

{sandy patties}

get paid to do research on pandas

I just knew this was too good to be true. You don't actually get to do tests on pandas, it's just the name of the company.

so you thought I was out of inventions part XI

Post a caption.

professor leads students in attack on pro-life crosses at northern kentucky university

You might want to keep these people away from your babies.

From the Northerner Online
More on nky.com
"Pulling up the crosses was similar to citizens taking down Nazi displays on Fountain Square, she said."
Now the cross is the same as a swastika? This professor is an idiot. This is my favorite quote from this feminist:

"Any violence perpetrated against that silly display was minor compared to how I felt when I saw it. "-Dr. Jacobsen

So if something makes you feel bad you can destroy it?

{hippy chicks tearing down crosses}

Here's the story from the campus paper at NKU.
Members of the Northern Right to Life are camping out Thursday to protect their display of anti-abortion crosses, following the damage and removal of the display on Wednesday by protestors.

The group has decided to press charges against those responsible.

{Dr. Jacobsen tearing up a sign}

"We called the police and told them that we decided to press charges," said Julie Broering, treasurer for the group. The members reached their decision after a day-long deliberation.

According to University Police reports, several young females removed about 400 white crosses from the grass in front of the University Center plaza at about 5:30 p.m. on April 12.

Northern Kentucky University President James Votruba has confirmed that Dr. Sally Jacobsen said that she encouraged students to practice their freedom of speech by pulling down the crosses during her British Literature class, which meets on Wednesday evenings.

Jacobsen could not be reached by The Northerner deadline.

"I am very disappointed that this happened," Votruba said. "At a university, the opposing views should be able to bump up against each other. Responding with pamphlets or speeches would have allowed the power of ideas to compete."

Approximately 10 students accompanied Jacobsen to the crosses and helped her to remove them. The group knocked the crosses down and piled them in trashcans around the plaza, and removed the "Cemetery of Innocents" sign.

Police arrived at 7:15 p.m. and found the crosses in trash cans throughout campus, according to David Tobergte, an administrative sergeant with the University Police. Tobergte said once those responsible for the vandalism of the crosses are identified, they could face felony theft charges. If those responsible for the vandalism are students, then they will also face university sanctions, Tobergte said.

{hippy chicks that supposedly believe in free speech}

Dean of Students Kent Kelso said he learned of the incident a few hours after it occurred and asked the police to investigate. Kelso said that he is unaware of the identity of any person involved in the vandalism, but is talking with witnesses. If students are responsible for the vandalism, Kelso said that he will have to determine if they have violated the student code of conduct.

"I profoundly regret that the incident happened. My hope is that we can have a dialogue or discussion on what's happening on campus with some sense of civility," he said.

The newly formed Northern Right to Life group at NKU created the anti-abortion display on April 9, and after being notified of the vandalism, the group came to NKU that night to repair and replant the crosses.

In a letter to The Northerner, signed by Nancy Slonneger Hancock, a member of The Educators for Reproductive Freedom, Hancock said that the group "neither knew about nor participated in this act of vandalism, and we most certainly do not condone it." Hancock said that the group sees the cross display as "protected free speech, no matter how strongly we may disagree with the message. It is of the utmost importance that we all respect each others' free speech rights."

{look at that evil grin! you can tell nothing has ever made her happier.}

NKU officials and university police are currently investigating the vandalism. Police reports list damages at $600; group members stated they paid $1.50 for each cross.

BSU girl finds $30,000 and gives to rightful owner

i wrote this for a political publication and once it is published, i may have to take it down. don't tell them.
Trista Wright was ripping sheetrock from a moldy closet in New Orleans on her spring break when she discovered $30,000 in cash. She was there with her Baptist Collegiate Ministries group from Armstrong Atlantic University in Savannah, Georgia. The owner of the home, who wished to remain anonymous, had inherited it from her parents who grew up during the depression and didn’t trust the banks.

It would seem that Trista’s actions are dwarfed in terms of dollars in comparison to the Government relief efforts but that is to ignore the extent of her sacrifice. Trista’s gift was immeasurably greater than any action of FEMA or the government towards hurricane victims that might be called “charity”.

Trista’s efforts were given of herself. Her benevolence came at her own expense; the government must steal from one person to support any “charitable” project towards another. In fact, some of the money that will be given to Katrina victim was stolen from them through taxation in the first place. Nearly all of the government’s money is ill gotten and carries the taint of stolen goods.

Her work was the sweat of her own brow and it’s likely that accommodations were rather limited during her stay. Construction work or gutting destroyed buildings is probably not something that she would ever consider doing as a job. Working in such an area, one has to consider that there may be some danger of mold inhalation or building collapse. The government has no equivalent sacrifice.

{Trista Wright and Haley Barton}

We don’t know, but as a college student, it is likely that she has no house of her own and that most of the jobs she has had haven’t paid very well. Yet she is helping someone else rebuild their home. In contrast, the government is guaranteed a massive income without any labor and frequently wastes billions of dollars and any aid to Katrina victims is a drop in the bucket of its overall financial position.

She was there during spring break, a time most college students would be enjoying themselves at the beach and one of the most cherished times of a person’s life (the several spring breaks in college). The government can make no parallel sacrifice.

It’s also significant that Trista, there with her Church group, found the money and not a government agent or looter. (If the two may be distinguished.)

It’s ironic that the Father and Mother of the owner did not trust the banks when in fact it is the Federal Reserve and the U.S. Government that they should not have trusted. Trista recounted that at first she thought it was monopoly money; this is not far from the truth. $30,000 earned and saved around 1940 would be over $425,000 in 2006 dollars due to government inflation of the currency. Think of this as a person hiding $425,000 and returning to find only $30,000 remaining. Even though this money was hidden so well that no one new it existed, the government stole 93% of it and it will never be returned.

{our silly inflated monopoly money(I made this)}

At the time of the discovery, the owner of the house was having some medical tests done and was very anxious about the results, perhaps the money will aid in paying a few medical bills.

{what money is supposed to be, beautiful and commodity backed}

When asked about the alternative of keeping the money, Trista said, “I would have regretted it. Nothing good would have come of it.” She knew that this money was not hers, it belonged to someone else and she had no right to it. Any gain from this money would also be ill-gotten. Yet the government had no qualms over some half a century about continuously plundering this and the hard earned savings of Americans as well as many foreigners desperate for stability.

At first the $30,000 seems like a lot of money but it is insignificant when compared to its original value. The true value in this story is not a few pennies on the dollar left over but the lessons of ownership, morality, and sacrifice taught to us by Trista Wright.

How striking that one young lady could be infinitely greater in so many ways than the actions of a behemoth government!

they wouldn't let me take my knife on the plane cause i'm muslim

NBC stoops to new journalistic low by trying to make people look racist.
Here's some coverage by Michele Malkin

easter cancelled due to jay-walking accident

feel free to supply a caption.

2 days later, crime scene still there

i took a job test

Here are your Stockholm Syndrome Method Career Analysis results. A detailed analysis by a certified job coach is only $699.

Your recommended occupation: Minister

Your preferred occupation: something else

You showed strong interest in the following occupations:

Hitman, lifeguard, rock-star, spy, artist, president, watchmaker, real estate tycoon, humorist, inventor, writer, international fugitive, evening gown designer, explosives expert.

you know you want it part X

Are you lonely at night? Is it going to be a while before you get married? Go another six months with the Manhug pillow! Choose from these fine colors: Boy Smell Blue, Pink Embrace, and Old Man Olive (also available in female version) A great gift that will be appreciated after the sting of the insult wears off!

stupid inventions part IX

You supply the caption:

don't read this. it's not funny and it will just make you question things.

Before I went to seminary, someone tried to prepare me for the fact that not everyone there would be perfect. I was told some rather shocking anecdotes that I would have liked to blame on the old liberal days of the seminaries but he quickly reminded me that he was not that old. That may be wrong though as the seminaries have only been cleaned up recently.

Something equally shocking yet less depraved that he told me is that some students don’t go to church. Using basically the same excuses as everyone else, they add some additional ones like: I went to chapel this week or I have too many papers to write and they are about God anyway. It’s not difficult for me to imagine a student getting involved in sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll but I was rather incredulous that someone going into church work would not go to church.

I feel like I’m the only slacker still here that didn’t leave so as to arrive 30 minutes early to Sunday School. On the way out I hear music playing, people talking. When I leave for church I walk out expecting the parking lot to be empty. I tell myself that people are sick. Some people worked till six on Sunday morning. Some people have sick children. Everybody carpools. Maybe they’re just trying to save the planet. Those married people have two or three cars between them and they just take one for the family on Sunday.

It’s a rare occasion when I don’t feel worse than everyone else and I pat myself on the back and say, “Well at least I go to church. I’m finally better than someone here.” How stupid for someone like me to be prideful.

I’ve been wondering a lot lately if I should really be here. Everyone is so motivated, so intelligent, so moral, they already know all this stuff, so sure of their calling, they have a irresistible subconscious urge to do this. I’m not like them.

Everyone else likes reading books from the 1700’s. I can’t tell what the hell the author is saying. I can’t pay attention for the 6 hours it would take me to bushwack my way through 50 pages of what the professor wants us to read on top of everything else I have to read. How do you possibly write a paper on that? I really do not want to put that much effort into reading some liberal that doesn’t believe the bible is true and if I understand anything of what he says it will be some nagging question that it will take me 3 hours to find an incomplete answer to so that it isn’t sitting there in my mind, mocking my faith.

Every 3.6 days a seminary student hears, “If you can do anything else, do it.” I have a lot of problems with this but it may be true if explained properly. I don’t know. It makes it sound like it’s a ditch digging job, a toilet scrubbing job. It’s as if the ministry is a terrible job and it should be your last choice. Shouldn’t it be one’s first choice? Maybe what they mean by this is God won’t let you do anything else. Will God make you miserable and a failure at everything and you will wander aimlessly about until you answer THE CALL TO MINISTRY?

Should I ask God for a sign? Is that a sin? Is it tempting God? Should I ask for a more sure calling? Am I being faithless? Maybe I should be here if I’m not sure. Should I go try to do something else and really see if I can’t do anything else like the tired old adage says? Am I just hogging a chair in a class that some motivated foreign kid should have? Should I go preach somewhere and disrespectfully tell my creator, “This is how you are supposed to communicate with me, if I fail it means I shouldn’t do this, if I do well and people respond well, it means you want me to continue.”

“Be still and know that I am God.” Then what? Believe me, I can very easily sit around and do nothing waiting for a sign.

I look for help in the Bible but I keep thinking of, “With God, all things are possible.” I’m so tired of hearing that. (from myself) Ok so none of my problems really matter because God can make them magically go away or order events so as to accomplish what he wants anyway. I don’t think God works like that.

I guess I’ll go read Dr. Whitney’s article and Spurgeon’s Lectures to My Students for the 8^th time. Dr. Whitney, you are too smart. He knew I was going to try to disqualify myself with 1Timothy 3 and Titus 1.

I’ll just keep fighting along. Maybe God will come to my aid. Better to wonder what I’m supposed to do while making progress toward what it might be. If I go do something else and a year from now I find out I was in the right place, it will have been just be a big waste. Hopefully money will fall out of the sky in the meantime to pay for school.

God I gave you my life. Do you want it? I’m not good enough for this. I just know that someday I am going to do something really stupid to disgrace your name. You can have anyone you want for this. You know stuff about me I’ve forgotten and you know there are probably a lot better choices. I feel like I don’t have what I need to do what you want.

If you want me to do this I’m going to need a lot of help.

cut the jibba jabba!

Psalm 14:1a The fool has said in his heart, "There is no God."

where does the stuff on purgatorio come from?

Marc of purgatorio fame when asked, "Marc, seriously, where do you find these things?"

"A lot of people ask me that question and basically the answer is the same. I think of the stupidist thing I can and do a Google picture search. Low and behold, I find something almost everytime.

"The other great place for ideas is just taking a stroll through your local “Christian” bookstore with a notebook."

church closed on easter to allow more family time

Easter Announcement

i need this system

stupid japanese inventions VIII

it depends on what your definition of "is" is

I need some greeks (and I don't mean frat boys) to tell me about John 10:28:

I give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand.

What is give? A continual action for an individual person? A future event (on the cross). Continual acts of giving because it is constantly being given to new persons?

Know that information posted in comments is safe and is not going to be used for school but purely for my own edification and curiosity.

4.5 perserverance points for the first person to correctly attribute the title quote. (I just know naomi is going to get this one)

ok ok ok back to the funies for a minute

"Three semi-serious posts in a row!? What is going on! Are you sick? Where are my stupid japanese inventions."

I hear you. Part of it is my spirits are just down right now. I'm having some doubts about being here so I am making it a point to record things of substance about seminary life and theological things that interest me just to remind me.

Here is your regularly scheduled stupid japanese invention. Having trouble aiming at your eye from one inch away? These might be for you!

dr. whitney quoted on medical prayer study, easter egg on sbts.edu

Roach just had this run today. Hopefully it will get picked up by the media.

secret link I found to Dr. Whitney's bio on sbts.edu that isn't live yet(nothing there)

Dr. Whitney's website

theology books, no questions asked

Most colleges have a couple bookstores around the campus offering books at a fraction of the cost of the campus bookstore. Now there is one in the Southern neighborhood too. Refiner’s Fire Books is behind B-Dub (Buffalo Wild Wings) in the St. Matthews Station at the corner of Breckenridge and Shelbyville. They specialize in used and out-of-print theology books.

No questions asked
If the check out interrogation (What’s your name? What’s your box number? What’s your telephone number? How much do you weigh? I'll need a fingerprint. Etc.) and the high prices and the rat tunnel of the Lifeway on campus annoy you, you will like Refiner’s Fire Books. I know some of you like to use the tunnel at Lifeway to meet the opposite sex. *bump* “Oh, excuse me, I’m sorry. Wow, your name must be Grace, because you are irresistible.”

At RFB there is room for more than 1.2 persons to walk abreast in the store and the prices are pretty low. The owner doesn’t ask a lot of questions but he is knowledgeable, so you might want to ask him some questions.

Yes, but are there Calvinist books?
There are several books of Calvin’s prominently displayed.

If you need some cash mid-semester, he is buying books for his inventory and he also trades books as well. You might be able to unload that Joel Osteen book your Aunt gave you when she heard you were going to seminary. Someone needs to get some prosperity out of that book!

Tell all your friends and arminians about this guy because we really need him here.

Refiner’s Fire Books
Behind Buffalo Wild Wings in St. Matthews Station at the corner of Breckenridge and Shelbyville
3900 Shelbyville Road, Suite 15, Louisville, Kentucky 40207 (502)515-3371

Centerfold of Calvin, Rainer's Inauguration, American Idol in new issue of SBC Life

Update: The Great Oz at his blog The Reformed Baptist Thinker has also picked up on the Calvin centerfold in the new SBC Life. He's done a good job of linking to everything related. I don't know if I tipped him off to it but I am glad to see it get some play whether I scooped it or not.

You need to go down to Honeycutt and get the latest SBC Life maga-paper thing.

There's a full color shot of Calvin and a tulip blooming. It's not a full body shot but I know some of you have been praying for this day.

Of course there's the obligatory hypercalvinist sayings that no one has ever actually heard anyone say and that no one actually believes and then surprise surprise, the trusty missions excuse. Apparently all of us future pastors and missionaries here at Southern are just here because we like to write papers. No one should be allowed to repeat that unless they can think of at least one great Arminian missionary.

Dr. Malcolm Yarnell III wrote a TULIP article for it. You may remember him from his recent "Heart of a Baptist" lecture at Southwestern. Tom Ascol had been discussing it at the Founders blog not too long ago. Dr. Yarnell writes that it is disturbing that people are using adherence to TULIP as a test of fellowship. I don't know how he found this out but at Southern, we don't share a ping-pong table with anyone who doesn't adhere to at least 4 points of Calvinism. They might think it was their own abilities that allowed them to win. For fuzeball you have to accept Limited Atonement as well.

There's also an article by Dr. Daniel Akin, President of South Eastern Baptist Theological Seminary, entitled: Divine Sovereignty and Human Responsibility How Should Southern Baptists Respond to the Issue of Calvinism.

This is just my college journalism talking but it might be a good idea to locate an actual Calvinist for your big spread on Calvinism. I guess I should just be happy it wasn't written by Clark Pinnock.

It seems like I'm the only one around here that doesn't like images of the persons of the trinity but be warned there is a violation of the second commandment above Akin's article.

Mandisa Hundley who used to work at Lifeway and now leads worship for the Beth Moore conferences is on American Idol. She got Simon to hug her and apologize for a particularly spiteful comment (even for Simon) after bringing up Christ's death on the cross. I don't know how you could find a way to bring that up. I would probably just attack Simon for making fun of me or try to get a hug from Paula Abdul and have flashbacks to my 9 year old 80's dreams of her. Just kidding. We were fundamentalists, I had no clue who she was.

There is also an article about Rainer's inauguration ceremony.

laughing babies part II

You know you have marriage on the brain when you cruise goog for baby videos. I am now officially old.(in a 20's sort of way, not old-old)

this has some incredible crossover potential

muslim rave

stupid japanese inventions part VI

Post your own caption.