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Friday, March 31, 2006

stupid japanese inventions part V

These are gonna be huge. If you get one now, you can be the one that wore it even before the runway models. Add a caption for this if you like.

Thursday, March 30, 2006

stupid japanese inventions part IV

This reminds me of a when I was a kid and we would shoot eachother with imaginary weapons and you could say "forcefield".

stupid japanese inventions part III

These might be useful for some of you hippies that insist on wearing your birkenstocks even when it rains.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

fox news uncovers new smuggling route

We interrupt our regularly scheduled stupid japanese inventions for this newsflash.

Watch this video and find out about the new route illegal alien smugglers are using.

Did you catch that? "Colorado is a major thoroughfare for smugggling undocumented workers because of its central location between New Mexico and Arizona."

I like the way the trooper talks too. He sounds like a Canadian Mountie.

Also note that "Polly" thinks the problem here is the congressmen and especially the coyotes who are charging Mexicans too much to be smuggled in. Sigh. If only we could get them to lower their prices. Maybe Polly can get the congressmen to pass a law making the coyotes charge less.

Somewhere out there, Carol McKinley's geography teacher is hanging his head in shame and asking himself why he wasted his life. On Monday, the kids in his class will probably watch a movie unrelated to geography as he sobs into his hands silently at his desk.

stupid japanese inventions part II

Monday, March 27, 2006

stupid japanese inventions part I

Out of my vast collection of funny pictures, this is one of my favorite categories. There are one or two that are not Japanese though but Japan is definitely the capital of stupid inventions.

If you can read the writing or you just want to make up a funny translation of the writing, I would love that. Also, if you have a pic that would fit this category that would be great.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

subtle hints your seminary might be calvinist part II

(read the fine print)

subtle hints your seminary might be calvinist part I

There are always tulips around, but no daisies. (the arminian flower, e.g. he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not...)

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

veee dub, holding it down on the engineering tip yah!

Monday, March 20, 2006

ve just un-pimped yuh auto

Sunday, March 19, 2006

un-pimp my ride

I meant to post this a while back. Germans really crack me up. Whether it's what we think they do or what they actually do I find them very amusing.

This is going to be a series, so hopefully my three readers will come back for the rest.

the perfect man, part I

Ok, let make sure I've got everything here. . . Dark eyes, fit body, kind, caring, and sensitive. He must like music and art. Not afraid to share his feelings. Ok. Brings you flowers, writes you poetry, serenades you with love songs. Expresses himself easily. Likes to spice it up with romance. Foreign accent a bonus.

Yes, he is perfect. He's got everything on the list and more.

Don't read the next part until you've watched the video. It will be funnier that way. I promise.

What do you mean? You didn't say, wears less make up than me, shorter hair than me, or likes girls. He has everything on the list! What's wrong with a little chest make up anyway?

Saturday, March 18, 2006

booty is in the eye of the beholder

This one is work/child/parent safe. There are lots of coppier videos. Would this video be inapropriate if it was a hot chick? Would it be inapropriate if the chick weighed as much as this guy? Have you ever thought about how modesty only has to do with attractive people?

On a side note, doesn't Mr. Tumnus need to put on a shirt? What is the point of a scarf when you're topless? At the bare minimum how about some chain mail when you go to battle? Sorry, Mr. Tumnus, I just saw a picture of you again and although I am well aware of the fact that fauns and satyrs are all about the pursuit of pleasure, playing pipes, drinking, and chasing nymphs, I really could have done without the two hours of nipple gazing.

Friday, March 17, 2006

funny spam

I've been getting some funny spam in my junk account lately. A junk account is a free webmail account that you don't really care about that you just use for when you absolutely must provide an email address to sign up for something but you don't trust the institution you are giving it to. Some things require you to reply to the email so you can't always just give them

"If you are an ugly duckling, Ultra Allure Pheromones will make women see a pretty swan in you."

I don't really want a girl to see a pretty swan in me. Even if you had never heard of the ballet Swan Lake, this is about the gayest way a girl could think of you. Imagine a guy walking by and all you can think about is white fluffy feathers and swans floating by. Maybe I'm wrong on this one. What do you think?

"Stop reading stupid advises about being popular among the women."

Does this mean I should stop reading that email? I tried to think back to if anything I have read lately qualifies under this.

"Since the High School you were unnoticed by the womens."
This is my favorite one. It just makes me laugh. Despite the fact that it's 75% male here, I can tell I am definitely being noticed by the womens. That would be a funny idea for a movie. A guy buys these pheremones and they stink really bad or they repulse the womens. You could even have them work really well. You can't really go wrong with that idea. I'll just stick to my excessive cologne.

Do you feel noticed by the mens? The other day I was at the grocery store and I walked by an aisle and this incredible smell hit me like I was a bunny frolicking in a field of daisies. I backed up and looked down the aisle and it was a girl that was a full ten yards back down the aisle. That's powerful. But I mean it in a good way.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

who wears the pants?

Check out the word of the day:
uxorious \uk-SOR-ee-us; ug-ZOR-\, adjective:
Excessively fond of or submissive to a wife.

Where I come from there was another name for this. (But it's not appropriate.)

Is it possible to be excessively fond of your wife? Is Jesus too fond of his bride (the church)?

Monday, March 13, 2006

a fun trick to play on someone with an esv bible

Ask them to read Mark 7:16

I've always thought it would be funny to do that at a bible drill. It's probably a good thing I wasn't aware of this stuff back in my bible drill days. I think we need to be careful though, you could really mess up some kid in the head with this because they aren't able to comprehend ancient manuscript scholarship.

The verse numbers were arbitrarily forced onto the text of a particular manuscript. Recent scholarship using older and better manuscripts has questioned some verses. KJV only people call these "missing verses". You should probably be aware of this as you will get a question in ministry like this one day.

There are a couple other places like this also:
Matt 17:21
Matt 18:11
Matt 23:14
Mark 7:16
Mark 9:44
Mark 9:46
Mark 11:26
Mark 15:28
Mark 16:19-20
Luke 17:36
Luke 23:17
John 5:4
Acts 8:37
Acts 15:34
Acts 24:7
Acts 28:29
Rom 16:24
1 John 5:7
(list is not all inclusive and I may have typed the wrong thing)

These are basically the proof texts for the King James only people. In reality, they are also proof texts for why Textus Receptus, the main KJV source document, is questionable.

One of these KJV only sites had this rather bold claim: "The NIV removes 64,576 words!" I'm just glad it wasn't my job to count every time the NIV didn't use a "thee or thou". I feel sorry for whoever had to do that. I'm curious if any Greek or Hebrew Scholars actually hold to KJV only anymore.

Personally I don't really like the TEV, CEV, NIV, Living Bible, The Message, Good News for Dudes and Stuff and those that paraphrase it into, "And Jesus was all, dude, dude. I sense a lot of hostility dude. You gotta go with the flow. Live and let live man, you're cramping the loveflow buzz. "

For a while I was really into the CEV and I was using it in children's ministry and I tried to read the bible through and failed miserably. In both these situations I was getting frustrated cause I couldn't tell what the heck the bible was actually saying. I kept having to stop and go fish out my ancient KJV to get some clarification. (I mean what things in the sentence were related or acting on other things, not overall interpretation.) You don't have this problem in Latin but you can really be ambiguous in English if you want to.

I predict that in the near future we will see a couple more of these translations. They will probably cut out the gay parts, add in a lot of universalism, and paraphrase the really definite verses that make us uncomfortable. I just don't understand why they do this. If you don't like what the Bible says, why not just reject it? I don't really understand apostates and liberal churches either. If you believe the bible's all a lie and geschichte and fairy stories, why go? You can get better fairy stories from Hollywood that don't make you feel guilty about your sin and you don't have to put so much effort into being good, donating money, or cutting out the parts you don't like.

I guess Satan is keeping that going.

Anyway, I like the formal vocabulary and syntax of the KJV though but not the archaic pronouns and source documents. We used to have weirdos come through our church every once in a while promoting KJV only and a bunch of other stuff. Sometimes I wonder about how I'm going to deal with that in the future. One conservative pastor told me the conservatives are always more trouble than the liberals. hahaha

I'm really looking to being proficient enough in Greek to be able to just read the bible for myself. After listening to all these word studies though, I'm afraid it won't be that helpful to read quickly in greek but it will be better to look up every single word. I'd really like to read quickly as in english but with understanding. It's going to be difficult. I'm glad it's not like learning to ski or something and I will instead have God's help.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

google mars

If you thought google earth was cool, you might like google mars. I cruised around a while trying to find Dr. Parker's little green man but in the words of the great Dr. Nash, that may have just been a bunch of horse geschichte.

WARNING: It's not as cool as these picture from my private collection.

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Jesus came to be an amusement park so you can be entertained

[photo: your youth at Centrifuge]

Last year, kids came back from centrifuge wearing orange robes and chanting mantras in what has been called “fugegate”. (ok, they didn’t have orange robes, but really how long before the emergers start doing that?)

Stephen U. has been preparing to teach at [insert whatever cool name it is being called now] and had to beg the leadership to ad in some of the gospel cause there wasn’t any. He documents this year’s heresies from Lifeway:

“In this lesson, we will see that Jesus is the most entertaining and thrilling ride we could ever choose.”

“Its basic goal is to make our park visit memorable and enjoyable.”

“Are you allowing Jesus to thrill and wow you? How can we limit the mundane, confusing, uncomfortable, overbearing challenges that come along in this life?

Not being from an SBC background and having no emotional attachments to our schizophrenic institutions with funny names, my favorite Canadian, Guillaume is able to see right through the behemoth that is Lifeway and asks, "Would we tolerate it if our pastors got up to the pulpit on Sunday and read off a sermon that had been mailed to him a few months earlier from a Lifeway office in Nashville?"

It seems like all I ever hear about our denominational institutions is how they are dominated by mean conservatives and how liberal-phobic they are and they fire people at the drop of a hat for doing anything out of the ordinary. If you don’t get a pink slip for preaching Buddhism or this Jesus roller coaster nonsense, really, how far do you have to go to get in trouble at Lifeway?

A lot of people are asking if Thom Rainer, the new president of Lifeway, is going to clean things up and are generally curious about what he believes. According to the Biblical Recorder, he is a three-pointer. This is a pretty negative piece which unfairly compares Rainer with James Frey, the Oprah book club guy whose book is basically a lie except for the ISBN number but I reference it because it records Rainer's response to the Calviphobia question.

Unless they get Stephen as their teacher at Centrifuge, your youth are going to spend a week being indoctrinated with this "Jesus died for your sins for fun" stuff.

There is an alternative though. Founders usually hosts several youth conferences during the summer.

Try to ignore the excessive use of some really hideous Microsoft word art in that flyer. I’ll take Founder’s sound teaching in word art rather than glossy heresies from Lifeway any day.

These are exciting times we live in where the little guy can say the emperor has no clothes and question mighty lifeway. Apparently Dr. Ascol reads our blogs because Founders picked this up and ran with it. By one blog post, people are being made aware and taking Lifeway to task. You can literally see the reformation happening before you very eyes!

You might drop by Stephen's blog to give him a word of encouragement and thank him for having the guts to confront the leadership and speak out about this. I imagine people don't like being told by seminary students that they are teaching children heresies and he's probably trying to decide what he's going to do about all of this.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

the video everyone's talking about

I’ve been delaying posting this for a couple days to try to find some reliable sources but that hasn’t happened.

This video mysteriously appeared a few days ago and has been burning up the fibres ever since. Over 17 seasons, conjecture has run rampant among fans about a Simpsons film.

The video sent fans into an orgy of speculation. It hasn’t been broadcast on television yet but the word on the street is that this is merely a promo for season 17 on Sky One which was the station that brought The Simpsons as well as many other American mainstays to the Brits, Limeys, Pommys, Tommys, Kakis, Redcoats, Rosbifs, Rooineks, Paddys, Bog trotters, Leprechauns, Harps, Mics, Shants, Potato heads, Shilaeli Huggers, Woolybacks, Taffys, and Jocks in the Islands of the North Atlantic.

Notice the distinctly British feel. The flagstone driveway. The man in uniform on the street corner. The license plates. The cars operate on the left side of the road. The driver’s seats are on the right side of the cars. However, Homer’s vehicle is the opposite. The people are pasty white with large noses and British features. Also, note the crack in the garage. I noticed some idiot forgot to leave the rabbit ears on the TV but that’s probably just an Easter egg for nerds like me to gossip about. Also note how Maggie appears out of thin air on the couch.

Sky One is also interesting because they heavily censored everything in The Simpsons until a few years ago. They did the same with Family Guy which made the show nearly unwatchable. (Family Guy is quite a bit edgier)

Sky One built a huge business out of re-runs. They were able to do this because British television sucks. Imagine every channel as a stodgier PBS but with full coverage of Parliament and newsflashes every five seconds from the Ministry of (insert industry that is needlessly regulated by hordes of protocol lovers named Nigel Buckminster Willoughby or Alistair Eustace Buckinghamshireton III).

You actually have to have a license to have a television in England. Do they have like driver's ed. or Television operator safety classes? For color, it’s about $200 a year. Black and white is a little cheaper. That’s why you still see people with black and white TV’s on British shows. Blind people get theirs half off. They even have TV police that go to your house and make sure you pay. I'm not even joking! You think I’m making this up but I’m not. If you don’t believe me, look into it yourself. They used to have a window tax and they also make renters pay property taxes. I found one place that said that not paying the fine for getting busted without a license is the largest cause of the imprisonment of single mothers but that seems hard to believe.

Can you imagine if we shut down every TV station and gave NPR and PBS their own police force and IRS to make people pay instead of whine about freeloaders round the clock and run “underwriting” which is really just commercials? You don’t have to. Move to England. Those commies at PBS would do that in a heartbeat if you let them.

Another bit of trivia: In the 1995 episode with the school budget cuts, Groundskeeper Willie is shown teaching French and says, “Bonjour you cheese-eating surrender monkeys!”. It appears that the show actually originated this phrase. In the French version this was translated to “singes mangeurs de fromage” which means “cheese-eating monkeys”.

Yet another bit of trivia: The Simpsons was ported to Arab speaking markets a couple months ago as "Al-Shamshoon". Everything that has to do with pork or beer was changed to beef and soda or cut out. Crusty (he’s Jewish), Reverend Lovejoy, and Abu have been entirely removed.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

George Müller with a fauxhawk

If you take personal spiritual disciplines with Dr. Whitney at Southern Seminary, you'll read a biography of George Müller. If anyone hassles you about your fauxhawk show them that it's ok since George Müller had one.

In his early teens he was a drunkard, gambler, fraud, and thief. He actually did time for fraud before his conversion.

He trusted in God's provision and he was able to accomplish some amazing things. His orphanage cared for, at its peak, 2000 children. He refused to use government money and only accepted unsolicited gifts. The buildings for his orphanages costed over 100,000 pounds sterling in mid 1800's terms which would mean millions today. He never requested financial support or went into debt. His organization is said to have funded the great missionary Hudson Taylor.

At the age of 70 he began foreign evangelism and preached in around 40 countries.

It's pretty hard for me to imagine doing things this way. It just feels irrsponsible. I've always been against churches borrowing a million dollars for their new building but think about raising money for your mission trip without asking anyone! I'm thinking about trying that if I go on another trip.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

told me so

As I munched yet another pizza hotpocket and continued enjoying the best time of my life, deafened by silence, sitting alone in a guy apartment staring mindlessly into a small box, grasping for some small sense of community by posting comments on the blogs of people I will probably never meet, I saw what is probably the cutest thing I have ever seen.

Cute laughing babies that bear your image in matching outfits , a beautiful southern wife and new mother with a heavy accent (I would place it in Tennesee), in a warm comfortable environment, Dad's funny and has a new gadget. Unforgetable family times made of things that would seem mundane and insignificant but for some reason the whole world is watching this video.

Do you see the contrast? Westminster 139 comes to mind. An undue delay of marriage.

Whether you told yourself you wanted to have your roaring 20's, you were going to be an independent woman, or you deluded yourself into thinking that you were spiritually superior to married people and you were going to accomplish all these great things for God and you were going to give yourself the spiritual gift of temporary celibacy, you have to admit, those babies laughing is a lot cooler than what you are doing tonight. Marriage isn't that bad after all.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

choose your own adventure

1858 Southern Baptist Theological Seminary Abstract of Principles, Section XVI:

“The Lord’s Supper is an ordinance of Jesus Christ, to be administered with the elements of bread and wine,”

2006 Southern Seminary Handbook, Appendix C, Paragraph 1:

“The Seminary prohibits use of alcohol…”