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Saturday, February 25, 2006

coffee is just too hard to get

Have you ever been in the shower and said to yourself, "This would be a lot more fun if I had a fripple crapo mocka tupa chino in here."

Now you coffee drinkers that think your addiction to caffeine and sucrose (and who knows what else is in coffee) is morally superior to the chemical dependencies of others have a new way to get high. (that's a pic of caffeine in powder form)

It’s a soap called Shower Shock. No, I’m not going to give you a link. I’m not your drug dealer. But if I was I would invent coffee patches. I’d be a billionaire.

Even though coffee is nearly ubiquitous, and even

are now reduced to peddling these
chemicals and
pandering to the
dependent, it

just wasn’t enough. If the cravings are too much for you to resist and you can’t wait till you get to the store, a caffeine high is only a shower away.

Now you can rub your drug of choice into your naked bodies in the shower. You know you want to.

Friday, February 24, 2006

Come worship Satan at St. James UCC

You might know United Church of Christ from their comma campaign. It was based on a quote by Gracie Allen, who I think was a comedy star in the 30’s. "Never place a period where God has placed a comma.” Not exactly a world class theologian.

It features, for some reason, a particularly sinister looking black comma on a red background with inclusive statements like, “God is still speaking.” They have commercials depicting a well-dressed white family being let into a church while bouncers keep out those of other races, homosexuals, and a person in a wheelchair. I think this is pretty funny but is it necessary to promote one church by tearing others down? They are insinuating that all the other churches don’t allow these people to come.

Really, what church doesn’t allow people with disabilities? That’s just stupid.

If you’re Baptist, think back through your life. Can you remember a single church, even the tinniest one in Podunk, Alabama that didn’t have at least one wheelchair? Did you play with it as a kid?

The website of St. James UCC in Limerick, PA featured a logo with a quote from Satan, “If thou therefore wilt worship me, all shall be thine. –Luke 4:7”

You could really butcher this and come up with something like, “Satan is still speaking”. “Never quote Satan, where God has placed a church.”

They finally noticed and replaced the quote with a phone number. Hopefully it isn’t Satan’s phone number.

For those of you who were kind enough to inform us about our
previously inaccurate quote…

Actually, the quote was dead on. They faithfully quoted Satan word for word using Luke.

There’s a list of firsts on their home page which also has some rather dubious claims.

They claim to be the first denomination to ordain a woman(Antoinette Brown).

I suppose the accidental female pope doesn’t count.

Printed evidence exists that the Society of Friends (Quakers) began discussing the issue in 1660. It appears that they allowed women to serve as ministers at 1700’s possibly sooner. Here is a picture of a woman preaching in a Friends meeting.

(Factoid:Quakers also originated the term “Weighty Friend”.)

The ordination of Antoinette Brown was not recognized by other congregationalist churches and the UCC was not formed until 100 years later. Her seminary did not want to admit her, refused to let her participate in graduation exercises, and denied her a license to preach as was given to other students after graduation, claiming she was not a registered student.

Olympia Brown was the first woman to achieve full ministerial standing recognized by a denomination. She was ordained as a Universalist minister in 1863.

“…we were the first mainline church to take a stand against slavery (1700),”

Once again, it was not a denomination back then and the anarchical nature of congregationalism makes it difficult to claim that the whole church was united and these sentiments were consistently shared. Quakers can much more easily make this claim.

There are records that Society of Friends were discussing the morality of slavery in the early 1700’s. It’s possible that their egalitarianist views may have led to these considerations even earlier than is known.

“…the first to ordain an African American person (1785),”

George Liele, an African American and Baptist who lived in Georgia and South Carolina, was licensed to preach in 1773. His story is really interesting. He started what would eventually become First Baptist Savannah and his churches predate the white Baptist churches in Savannah. He started the first black Baptist church in America and went to Jamaica as a missionary in 1783.

“…the first to ordain openly gay[,] lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered persons (1972),”

The Catholic church has been looking the other way on this for a long time.

The Rev. James Stoll, a Unitarian Universalist Association minister came out in 1969 and was openly accepted by the UUA.

In 1870, Phebe Ann Coffin Hanaford, who had filled the pulpit for Olympia Brown (first ordained woman), felt what “seemed to be the Lord’s call” and left her husband and children to preach at First Universalist Church of New Haven, Connecticut. The church later split over her political activities and her “wife” Ellen Miles. She formed another church and continued to preach.

Side note here. If ever there was a good example of the necessity of comparing what you think is God’s will to scripture, this is it. Does scripture support a woman ditching her family to preach in

a Universalist church and taking a lesbian lover? If you can exegete your way around that, you probably should be a Universalist.

I think the UCC’s category, gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgendered
persons was too broad as this is obviously a big step from ordaining a

The UUA ordained their first transgendered person in 2000.

“Sara Herwig”, a man who underwent a gender alteration surgery, is actively preaching and was a candidate for ordination in the Boston Presbytery in 2003. I haven’t been able to find if he, uh, this person has been ordained yet.

Nowadays they can turn a man into a woman and a woman into a man but we are still waiting for a cure for cancer, chicken pox shots, laser guns, flying cars, anti-gravity boots, hover boards, holodecks, and a moon base. It seems to me like there are some scientists that need to get their priorities straightened out.

“…the first in foreign missions (1810),”

Laying aside the fact that churches have been following the great commission for 2000 years, let’s go with the context that is intended. Catholics were also probably sending Americans abroad for ministry much before this.

As I previously mentioned George Liele was doing missions 30 years before the UCC. Also I suspect that "First in missions" does not mean actually went but more along the lines of started a mission society. This is certainly legitimate but bear in mind that the following research is all about actually going.

They may be claiming Luther Rice and Adoniram Judson or others who were both affiliated with the Congregationalists but were actually Baptist. You can't just claim your church did everything that wasn't done by Episcopalians.

It could be argued that David Brainerd was a foreign missionary as he went to the Natives in the early 1700’s and that part of continent was not exactly the U.S. or Britain.

William Carrey reached India in 1793. You might be interested to know he helped found The

Particular Baptist Society for Propagating the Gospel among the Heathen

(later named the Baptist Missionary Society).

Rice Started a mission society at Williams College some time after 1807.

Judson, Mills, Newell, and Rice were at seminary at Andover starting the missionary movement

sometime from 180?-1812.

Samuel Marsden, a Wesleyan, left for New Zealand and New South Wales from England in 1793.

Henry Nott left for Tahiti in 1796 on a ship named the Duff.

They also claim to have founded Harvard and Yale. This is a bit of a stretch because as was formerly mentioned Congregationalists

were not a denomination back then. John Harvard was a minister for less than a year and then died leaving £800 to a college that already existed.

What I want to know is what did St. James wish for? Did Satan deliver? Did he hold up his end of the deal and give all?

Yes my weighty friends, be proud of your past and that your denomination still knows the bible. The future is up to you.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

adventures in bard's town

If you didn't hang out on Bard's Town Road today
you sure missed out. On Frankfort Avenue you might see a boy walking his dog. On Bard's Town Road you will also see a boy walking his dog, except that the dog is a large boy in a scooby doo suit.

Since I am frequently sarcastic and I joke around on this blog all the time some of you may not believe me but I have irrefutable evidence of the lowest possible quality in the form of cell phone pictures.

I would have made mad fun of these kids but they were so cool about allowing me to photograph them and they are just out doing something funny and weird.

Just in case things get out of hand, Scooby doo is on a leash so you don't have to worry about him running out in the street or chasing cars. It may seem that scoob massively outweighs his owner(?) so you may not want to harass him or take female dogs down there.

Tuesday, February 21, 2006

freeze frame!

I'd like to share some gems with you from my massive funny pictures collection.

Journalists throw away unusable pictures of famous people all the time. The reason they don't always turn out well is because when you pause someone in mid action, you are taking them out of context. This can occur in the middle of a facial expression that occurs over the span of several seconds. This phenomenon is especially pronounced with those who are expressive or have faces that stand out or change a lot from one facial expression to the next.

These pictures are usually destroyed but occasionally make it onto the internet. There are some hilarious ones of Hillary Clinton which I would like to feature but I think I only have two of them.

Apparently the best time for these pictures is at a baseball game with something heading your way.

Friday, February 17, 2006

this video made me laugh like a chicken

This is probably in my top 3 funniest videos of all time.

president carter's book compares adrian rogers to ayatollah khomeini

Adrian Rogers: preached in Love Worth Finding broadcasts

Ayatollah Khomeini: torture and mass execution

Yeah, I can see the resemblance. What makes this even worse is that the book was released right after Roger's death. He also misquotes Rogers.

Recently, he has apologized to the Rogers family. How do you apologize for something like that? "Uh, sorry I compared your dad to Khomeini right after he died. I didn't mean to."

If there are any future editions, Carter has said he will correct the text, although it's not clear what he will correct. This is a little ambitious as people are not exactly sleeping in line to buy the latest Jimmy Carter book.

You can read about it in the Florida Baptist Witness.

President Mohler has also been critical of the book.

Thursday, February 16, 2006

nuns' account frozen by patriot act

A monastery said its account was frozen without explanation or notification for a week, causing checks to bounce and taking three months to straighten out.

Wednesday, February 8, 2006

United Press International

Nuns of Holy Name Monastery say ridiculous Patriot Act scrutiny led their bank to freeze the St. Leo, Fla., religious order's main account. I think the Patriot Act is unwise, said Sister Jean Abbott, the Benedictine order's business manager.

"If it happened to us, it can happen to anybody," she told the Tampa (Fla.) Tribune. "I think people need to know that nobody is safe from, in some cases, really ridiculous scrutiny."

The order said its account was frozen without explanation or notification for a week in November, causing checks to bounce and taking three months to straighten out.

Abbott said she was told the trouble began because an 80-year-old nun, a signatory on the account, did not have her Social Security number or photo identification on file.

"Clearly an international spy," Abbott wryly told the newspaper.

A Wachovia bank spokesman, citing privacy concerns, declined comment.

The order vowed to lobby Congress to overturn the anti-terrorism law.


This is funny and all in that it points out what a joke the patriot act has become but after a couple laughs it just makes me mad. Now the government can immediately seize the property of a church, nuns no less, at will without a warrant regardless of the fact that this is unconstitutional in about 6 different ways.

Stupid Wachovia, "citing privacy concerns", no one actually believes that. Where were your so called "privacy concerns" when you took money away from 80 year old nuns? I just know that Wachovia is going to charge them a bunch of overdraft fees and returned check fees.

This whole constitution thing is too much trouble. Why follow the constitution and go to a judge and ask for a warrant when you can do whatever you feel like to whomever you want?

All you have to do is show the judge, “Habeeb calls these Al Qaeda numbers in Pakistan.” And the judge is going to pretty much give you whatever you ask for. If you go to the judge and say this 80 year old nun doesn’t have a social security number and she is a threat to America’s existence, the judge is going to laugh in your face. That’s why we have due process in this country. Without it and the other freedoms of the Constitution, what is the point of America? It’s just another third rate country.

Security is surgical. It’s boots on the ground, it’s cloak and dagger, it’s investigation. It’s suspending freedom for one terrorist rather than 300 million freedom loving Americans. You’d think we would have learned this after September 11th; you can spend billions of dollars on fancy satellites and data mining but if you ignore human intelligence, it doesn’t matter. That’s part of the reason why I served in the military. A soldier gives up all their freedom to preserve it for other Americans and for their descendants. It's better to loose a few heros than the freedom of all. Will my brothers and sisters die in vain?

Welcome home soldier, thanks for taking an oath to defend the Constitution. Oh yeah, while you were gone, we gave up the Fourth and Fifth Amendments.

If you don’t know what IV and V are, don’t bother, they’re already gone.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

top 15 biblical ways to get a wife

I keep hearing that modern men, especially the guys here at Southern are not pursuing women aggressively enough. They’re just too nice. Even in Kentucky, a girl just can’t find a former high school quarter back that works as a shoe salesman, gets drunk a lot, lays down the law, and likes to shove her around anymore. All the guys at Southern are too educated and just want to learn about God and not take advantage of a girl and treat her like a sister in Christ all the time. What’s up with that? A girl needs a little danger, a bit of a bad boy, this whole "minister of the gospel" thing is not going to cut it. Love hurts ok? You’ll find quite a few Christian dating authors pointing to bible stories to support this notion. Don’t you just wish we could all go back to the good ol’ days when men were real men and women were real property?

The Top 15 Biblical Ways to Get a Wife
  1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
  2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)
  3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
  4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
  5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
  6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you.-Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
  7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
  8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife -David (I Samuel 18:27)
  9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. (It’s all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
  10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
  11. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a … woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.” - Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
  12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though).-David (2 Samuel 11)
  13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea; it’s the law.) - Onana and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
  14. Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
  15. A wife?…NOT? - Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

Monday, February 13, 2006

stealth valentine

As I write this, it just so happens that the song playing from my 80’s playlist is “I think we’re alone now” by Tiff. Yea, that’s what she tells those of us who are her close friends to call her. Hahaha What a perfect Valentines song. I’m going to have to turn the volume down if one of my old Army buddies calls though.

I had this idea the other day that I should make a valentine and carry it around with me on Valentine’s Day and then just pick out some random girl on campus, give it to her and then walk off. The Stealth Valentine. I’m sure the book “Marriable” says this is wrong and boys can’t give girls valentines. A valentine is too much of an investment and you will lose your investment when the person eventually gets married. Right.

I’d also like to point out that “marriable” isn’t in most dictionaries. The correct word is marriageable. Use the word in a sentence? Why, I am glad you asked.

Due to her bossiness, lack of femininity, and the absence of any desirable skills, she was not considered marriageable.

What is that supposed to mean? It means she won’t let you hold the door open for her and she doesn’t want to be a mother.

Wouldn’t it be funny if I pulled that old girl trick and sent myself flowers in class or at work? I could act all surprised and say, “Oh my, I just don’t know what to say. Who could these be from? Is it a secret admirer? Let’s see what I wrote, err, I mean what does it say on the card?” Is it worth it to me to spend 80 bucks to fool other people into thinking that someone likes me? Definitely not.

If I was that desperate I would just pay someone to listen to my problems. If I found a poverty-stricken seminarian that would listen for minimum wage, that’s like 16 hours! You laugh but it sounds like a pretty good gig to me, you could just doze off or bring an I-pod or a cross-word puzzle and say “uh-huh” every once in a while.

I was reading a blog post about Valentines and I was reminded of the Valentine’s Days of my past.

One time Valentine’s was approaching and I decided to up the ante with this weird girl I liked. Why weird girls? For some reason they are more complex. Almost always more intelligent. Much more interesting. I have odd tastes. You know that saying, “Boys seldom make passes at girls that wear glasses.” So not me. I love those plastic rectangular framed glasses. Those are so cute.

Anyway, I got construction paper and I made the coolest Valentine I have ever seen. I can be quite creative sometimes and this thing was amazing. It was layered and sort of popped out when you opened it and it had a smiling sun and clouds made of cotton balls. It said something like, “You brighten my day.” I wish I still had it. It was so cool I almost hated to give it to her and get rejected and not be able to admire it anymore. Why give your beautiful creation to someone who’s going to throw it away. I wonder if God feels like that sometimes.

For some reason I wasn’t too concerned with getting rejected on this girl. I guess I was older and I was expecting her to do something weird. I had just talked to her the other day. So I put it in her box or something and then I saw her later on and she just wigged out and started crying and ran away. I think she had social anxiety disorder or something. Maybe a girl could explain this behavior to me.

If only the book "marriable" had existed at this time. I could have saved her a nervous breakdown and I would still have my cool valentine. I definitely lost that investment. Zero in capital gains tax. Major tax writeoff. Locked in that loss.

One time I bought the Steve Irwin Valentines. I was hoping for a few innocuous valentines to give to female friends (which I shouldn’t have because I could lose my investment) and maybe an ambiguously juicy one for the girl I liked that would leave her wondering whether I just gave her a random card out of the stack or if I truly meant the phrase on the card.

When I opened them they all said things like, "By crikey, isn't she gorgeous!", "You are one naughty lizard", "Aren't you a beautiful creature!", and "Wooo Hooo! Check out the size of these blokes." None of these were messages I wanted to send, so I didn't.

Pretty much every one of them can be taken the wrong way. Especially: "Wooo Hooo! Check out the size of these blokes." This could be interpreted as you have big bosoms or you are fat. Definitely not what I am trying to get across.

I did find one sufficiently juicy for my dream girl and I gave it to her. I don’t really remember what happened with that. She probably thought, “Steve Irwin Valentines? What a weirdo.” But maybe not. I doubt girls look a gift horse in the mouth on Valentines. Eventually, she probably got married and I lost my 17 cent investment. I wish marriable was written back then. I could have avoided this painful situation.

Unless one of the girls that I hold the door open for has fallen for me, I doubt I will get any valentines this year. I suppose there is the chance that I will get a pity valentine from my Mom but that’s almost worse than not getting any. But don't hope for it. CAUSE IT'S PROBABLY NOT COMIN!

Some day I will say to a girl, "OY! You are one naughty lizard!" and she won't have a nervous breakdown and we will get married and live happily ever after.

The stealth valentine idea is sounding better. . .

Sunday, February 12, 2006

why am i a baptist???

This is a parody of Tom’s post:Why I am a Baptist

1. Scripture and Baptist Tradition Alone
Sola Scriptura except on drinking, Disney, dancing, gambling, tobacco, movies, rock music, revivals, co-ed swimming, grape juice in the Lord’s Supper, and Arminianism.

2. Sola Gratia
Jesus died on the cross but it didn’t save anyone yet. He’s out there knockin’ on everybody’s door just hoping someone lets him in. It’s like a baking soda volcano, just waiting for you to add the vinegar. Save yourselves already!

3. Regenerate Church Membership
No need to agree to a basic statement of faith just answer “yes” to every question the pastor asks after you walk the aisle and you’re in. (I think it’s good that most of our churches are holding new member classes now though.)

4. Believer’s Baptism
Does that 3 or 4 year old really understand what it means? How different from infant baptism is baptizing a 4 year old?

5. Liberty of Conscience

6. The Culture War
Why can’t non-Christians just act like us? It really saddens me that this dominates the pulpit rather than exegesis of scripture and the gospel. Although, I do enjoy a good ten commandments removal controversy or Pro-Life battle on TV as much as the next guy.

7. Sola Potluckia
Just kidding. I love those.

I guess this makes me a paleo-Baptist or something else. I agree with the things Tom mentioned. I would also add Congregationalism or local government. It is one of the main reasons that our denomination hasn’t gone liberal like almost every other mainline denomination. Our fierce dedication to Scripture Alone has also been a factor in keeping us from liberalism.

I totally agree with Tom about his #7 Evangelism. We have really put some missionaries out there. The interesting thing is that we have been able to do it without a huge denominational structure like everyone else.

The main reason I am still a Southern Baptist is that I love the SBC and its people and I feel like that’s where God wants me. It’s my background whether I agree with every single thing that happens or not. I will gladly stay and serve.

The elderly saints of those churches have pored out their lives and fruits of the spirit into mine for a long time. They set great examples of what a Christian should be and showed Christ’s love to those around them. Their cups overflowed with God’s grace. If I could only pass on even part of that…

It sounds like a difficult task for a church to live up to the high standards Tom mentioned. Thankfully, it’s not merely the actions of man we are counting on; we have scripture and the Holy Spirit to help us.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

observations on campus

Nothing says I’m secure in my manhood like kickin’ it on campus with your best friend while both of you wear pink and blue striped shirts. They weren’t identical but they sure were close. In the future, when guys wear pink all the time, you will be considered the founders of the pink movement. I also envy your friendship. At the moment, I don’t have any friends here to whom I could say, “Let’s buy the same pink shirts and walk around on campus all day.” Maybe it’s a good thing that I don’t have any crazy friends like me here who like to do things like that. I probably get more studying done that way.

Note to students of Boyce College:
Please stop making out in Honeycut. Rather than a pool hall, think of it as a church with a pool table but with a bunch of monks walking around trying to put to rest their teenage hormones and focus on scripture. I just thought of this but I should have knocked on the window. I probably look old enough that they might think I was employed by the school. Why don’t I ever think of this stuff when it happens?

Two guys were walking abreast down the hallway in front of me caught up in discussion and a young lady moving in the opposite direction had to jump out the way to not get mowed down. I know the feminist movement has destroyed the concept of a gentleman and respect for a woman but surely in your modern minds you can respect, at the bare minimum, the idea of a personal space bubble. I’d like to make a comment on Nothern manners here but that would be irresponsible as I have no idea where these two were from. The reason this stands out is because most here are great examples of a gentleman.

To the guy in my building that strangled the parrot the other night or whatever that was you were doing:
I hope you got that out of your system and the parrot did not survive because I never want to be awakened from my slumber by that sound again.

Thursday, February 09, 2006

why haven't you found a nice girl blah blah blah

This video answers my grandmother's question, "Why haven't you found a nice girl and gotten married yet?"

They don't have any skills

life's ultimate questions

This video answers the age old question of, "Why hasn't Chinese pop music made it big in the rest of the world?"

Chinese Pop Video

How would you describe the dancing? I would say it's a hybrid of disney channel dancing, traditional chinese dancing and trying to look like a backstreet video they saw on mtv once.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

response to comment on my post: a prayer of thanksgiving to God

I received this comment on my first post which was a prayer of thanksgiving to God. I was expecting some comments from Arminians and Holiness people more along the lines of, “You’re bad.” & “You should be good.” I was going to respond with basically this:

“Yes. I am bad. You got that part right. You missed the point though; I can’t be good. That is precisely why I need God so desperately.”

There is still time though if you would like to say I am bad or quote a verse from Jude or James saying so. Please don’t hesitate to comment.

This was the comment:

“I really enjoyed reading your post. I was wondering what you make of this quote:

Judge me O Lord according to my justice and according to my innocence in me (Ps. 7:9).”

I'll assume you mean 7:8 which is the one you wrote there. Maybe you're using the Latin Vulgate or Greek Septuagint in which the verses at Psalm 7 are numbered differently.

First let me say that it's a poem about how I feel and it is admitting my failures to God so it's not going to have consequences like "one time I stole a candy bar and I got in trouble and had to work at the store" etc. and it's possible that something may not be scriptural in it. Also, I was posting this when blogger was going off line so my final version with the typos fixed didn't get in there. I think everything is corrected now though. There are also several hidden scriptures in the prayer. Can you find them?

At first I thought you were saying that this verse contradicts what I wrote. (but maybe you are) Then I saw from your blog that you have been doing some rather in-depth study of Psalms, including Psalm 7. So it would seem that you are certainly very aware of the context of this verse and there's no need for me to retort that you're stripping the context of this verse.

I haven’t spent hours studying this chapter but here is my basic interpretation.

Most translations use righteousness and integrity instead of justice and innocence. It's basically the same thing except we could possibly say something about David as King being charged with maintaining justice in his courts and territories.

We are certainly aware that David was guilty of some rather serious sins. On the face of it, one might ask, why would David ask for God’s terrible judgment when he very well knows that he is not an innocent person? The easy answer is that this plea refers not to David’s lifelong righteousness but to a very specific event in which he was accused of something he did not do. See in verse three it says “…if I have done this,” [empahis added]. But how can David be righteous? He always numbers himself with the righteous and his enemies with the wicked. He is righteous because God cleanses him of his sins and he is a part of the covenant community.

My post may have seemed a little odd to some of you. The perfect verse to explain both 7:8 and my post is Psalm 32:5:

“I acknowledged my sin to you, and I did not cover my iniquity; I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD," and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Selah.”

David has sinned but he is righteous because his sins are forgiven.

The whole Psalm deals directly with this type of situation:

A Maskil of David.

1Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven,
whose sin is covered.
2Blessed is the man against whom the LORD counts no iniquity,
and in whose spirit there is no deceit.

3For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
4For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer.

5I acknowledged my sin to you,
and I did not cover my iniquity;
I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD,"
and you forgave the iniquity of my sin.

6Therefore let everyone who is godly
offer prayer to you at a time when you may be found;
surely in the rush of great waters,
they shall not reach him.
7You are a hiding place for me;
you preserve me from trouble;
you surround me with shouts of deliverance.

8I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you with my eye upon you.
9Be not like a horse or a mule, without understanding,
which must be curbed with bit and bridle,
or it will not stay near you.

10Many are the sorrows of the wicked,
but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the LORD.
11Be glad in the LORD, and rejoice, O righteous,
and shout for joy, all you upright in heart!

See how it says when I kept silent my bones wasted away? It’s also interesting that it says that we should offer prayer not just when we are in deep water (as this phrase is sometimes rendered) or in the rush of heavy waters. Notice the active role of God in instructing and teaching us. It’s not just “I’m going to give you laws and you are going to fall flat on your face. Or “You better follow my commandments or you are going to be numbered with the wicked.” Don’t be like a mule. That is exactly how we are a lot of times.

Other versions translate the love in v10 as “mercy”. This mercy is steadfast; it doesn’t get tired like we do. And it surrounds us. Postive things that surround us are usually comforting like a warm blanket or protective like a wall.

Remember, you’re blessed.

Monday, February 06, 2006

bring back the disney boycott

I heard not long ago that the SBC’s boycott of the Walt Disney Corporation was over. I was greatly saddened that this mega corporation caved into their demands. Actually, they didn't. The culture just plumeted into the gutter around disney. I remember hearing that they spun off their subsidiary Miramax (film co.), which was part of the problem. The SBC’s boycott of Disney allowed me to avoid Disney movies like nothing else could have. I got to feel self righteous for abstaining from something I hated anyway. I got to guilt others into watching the movie I wanted to watch instead of the cartoon. It kept Disney out of the church which (seriously) is a great thing. To have a kid at church instead of him in front of the TV learning about sin is pretty rare. I just have this feeling that we should be teaching them about God or something rather than wasting that golden opportunity and having them watch “Shrek 12” for the 57th time in the church’s Sunday school classroom.

(See! Boys can wear fanny packs.)

If you didn’t like the boycott and wasted your parents’ hard earned money for ugly clothes with cartoon animals probably produced by children in foreign sweatshops and allowed young children to view hours of films promoting all manner of hippy ideas you should go to Snellville. A pastor from there was the only one at the convention to speak against it. Or maybe you should live in Disneyland.

I enjoyed the countless hours of exciting quality children’s programming that the Disney afternoon show provided me as a kid. As I grew older, there were a couple good films but most of the recent stuff has sucked.

I really hate those big-girl sweaters with Winnie the Pooh on them. If you are obese you should not have a picture of a big fat bear with honey all over his body and his face in a honey pot resting on your gut and chest.

Kids should be watching Superbook or something instead. What ever happened to the fundamentalist upbringing? We had action figures of David and Goliath. Remember the full armor of God? You don't see anyone selling that anymore but that might actually be a good thing because of the sword of the Spirit. We had alternative Nintendo games where you were Noah and you had to round up the animals and food. I got a sling which was actually much more deadly than any toy with dubious links to witchcraft but it was biblical, so I got it. I didn’t end up hurting anyone except for a few slight bruises of my own. Thank you, fundamentalism, for one of the coolest things a kid could get.

Your family will be exposed to more lawlessness, sin, and especially sexual material on your TV than through any Disney products. Be a real parent and protect your kid from the practical reality and quit playing around.

Sledge your TV and let your kid have a friggin Mickey Mouse doll.

I hope Disney does something immoral again soon so we can bring back the ban and I can be free of Disney for a couple more years.

Saturday, February 04, 2006

my first post: a prayer of thanksgiving to God


Your love has been so richly bestowed on me regardless of me and my actions and even during my very disobedience you have protected me from destroying myself and all that you have given me. You have given me beyond what I could imagine. I was blessed to grow up in a Christian home and had every benefit of your church, your word, your love, and still I am ungrateful and have strayed. Surely someone outside the faith is more deserving than me. How could you love someone like me? How could you keep pursuing me? How could you give me all these things and continue to bless me when I am so ungrateful? How do you not strike me down when I sin against you continually.

I’ve lived all my life in Arminian churches. I’ve breathed a quarter century of synergism. I thank you for the great weight that was lifted from my shoulders when I learned that my salvation, my Christian life, my toiling, evangelism, and all things are not carried on my shoulders but are held in your hands.

I thank you for planting a desperate thirsty urge for theology and knowledge of your word in me that I could not fill as I wandered in the desert of our modern churches. Now you have allowed me to cross the river to a land where my thirst can finally be quenched as I drink from the firehose.

You have used so many of your great saints to pour themselves out into me and I am a bottomless pit; I ask for more and I sit idly by, waiting for more. Your saints grow old and die and are not replaced. I cry for them knowing that I cannot replace them. My contributions to your work have been weak and minimal at best

You have given me health and I have destroyed it. You have given me food and I have gorged myself on it. You have given me rest and I have preferred sloth. You have given me time and I have squandered it. You have given me creativity and I have invented evil new things. You have given me truth and I have lied. You have given me instruction and I have ridiculed it. You have given me rebuke and I have forgotten it. You have given me wisdom and I have employed it in other pursuits. You have given me knowledge and I have become prideful. You have given me technology and I have abused it. You have given me family and I have pushed them away. You have given me money and I have wasted it on reprehensible things. You have given me blessings and I have stolen. You have given me sexuality and I have exploited it. You have given me scripture and I have let it gather dust while others have never even seen it. You have given me a chance to minister and I refused.

And yet you pursue me still.

No one is righteous. Not even one.

How can I see something good in me that accepts you?

How can I see prevenient grace that allows me to reason my way to you?

Nothing good dwells in me.

How can I walk another step,

How can I inhale my next breath,

How can the next electron transpire in my brain,

Except you allow it.

God… save me.